Kaname's Dream
by Pink Bead Girl
Summary: Gods, he would give anything to ease that ache, that relentless crushing feeling of being utterly alone...in fact, Kaname needs a saviour...an angel, to be precise. Zero needs an outlet for his overflowing compassion. Two halves needing to be one...
1. In the vale of the dark dream

A/N: This is my first foray into writing for Kaname and Zero and I wouldn't be here at all if it weren't for the kind encouragement of **Yengirl**. With gentle wheedling and cajoling she convinced me to put pen to paper as it were, and this is the result.

It gave me much pleasure in the writing and I do hope that it gives pleasure in the reading. Reviews would be greatly appreciated. Please note that in this story neither Kaname nor Zero is a vampire and Zero is in the guise of my angelic being as in my previous stories.

Dedicated to **Yengirl**, as always, with heartfelt thanks.

**Kaname's Dream**

**Chapter One: **_**In the vale of the dark dream.**_

Kaname pushed his chair back a little from his desk and stretched his arms straight up, moving his head from side to side and groaning as the tight muscles refused to give. He brought his hands back to his face, softly scrubbing them over his cheeks as if to wash away the weariness pressing onto him. Next, he ran long sensitive fingers up into his long silky locks, causing the lights to dance off the shiny rose-coloured highlights of his hair. Finally, he exhaled in soft little gusts, head thrown well back to show his long slender throat, a tiny pulse point flickering beneath his pale skin.

He was tired. Bone…achingly…tired.

Kaname was as tired as one who has lived too long, seen too much and knew that each new moment would only bring more of the same. He was mentally and physically strung out, a hazy fog dully lodged where his normally razor sharp senses dwelt. He snapped shut the lid on his shiny laptop and pushed it fretfully from him, giving it a sour look. That infernal machine claimed too much of his time with endless reports, dry as dust business correspondence, toadying begging letters from those eager to ingratiate themselves and so on and on and endlessly on. His mind gave a twinge of dislike just looking at it and he shut his eyes momentarily seeking relief from his arid grey thoughts.

Dull pangs of hunger slid about the edges of his tired consciousness but he resolutely pushed them away, lacking the motivation to get up to attend to them in any way, shape or form. A fleeting thought skimmed through his head, a tinny little voice seductively suggesting a drink… a shot of Scotch or a glass of red wine... something, a cup of sweet oblivion, a cup to tamp down the feelings that relentlessly surfaced again and again.

An image of a perfect brimming goblet of wine - thick, dark, rich as dragon's blood hovered enticingly before his weary brain for a moment actually drawing a spurt of moisture to his mouth. Resolutely he squashed that thought bitterly acknowledging that there had been too many glasses imbibed on too many nights. Seeking comfort in the alluring, fragrant ruby-red depths of a heavy crystal goblet had been all too frequent of late with fruitless results. After yielding to the soft insistent calls from a long, long series of slim-necked jade bottles over the days, weeks, and months, he had found temporary release from all the thoughts that plagued him but the price was high, too high. How oft had he indulged in that private Bacchanalia, that lonely party for one where the contents of glass after glass found its way down his throat washing away cares, sluicing away that greyness that pressed ever harder into his head? Only to find that fleeting relief an illusion, a momentary halt with the chill probing fingers of darkness always returning to plague him anew, with bitterness rebounding in double measure.

He grimaced at the thought finding no succour there, just a growing distaste with his own weakness swelling into a tightness in his throat and whimpers of self-pity in the depths of his soul just waiting for a chance to overwhelm him. Ugly little sprites of self loathing waiting to cavort with glee, pricking him mercilessly with sharp little tridents reminding him of his troubles and cares over and over again.

Lonely.

There, he acknowledged it. Lonely…it was a small ice-cold word that stalked him at every turn. Kaname was never alone but he was lonely. People surrounded him all day, every day. Business associates, acquaintances, bringers of ideas, papers, coffee, and sycophants from every direction. Even a few friends sprinkled in the mix, a precious few that gave a measure of pleasure to the infrequent days he could steal from his heavy work schedule. Yes, the days could be endured, clicked over in a steady rhythm of sameness with the odd one here and there actually enjoyed. The days rolled on and looked after themselves.

It was the nights that hurt.

It was the nights that brought loneliness in unrelenting abundance.

Nights that followed the same pattern no matter where he was. The long tired walk down endless characterless hallways in anonymous hotels no matter how luxurious or how plush, it all cloyed and grew wearisome, merging into one grey picture. The cold solitary clink of the key into the lock opening a door that showed the same picture to him no matter what city he was in, no matter which country.

A plush carpeted room with rich velvet drapes over windows that looked out onto a cold glittering cityscape utterly devoid of soul. Several strides into the room brought a desk into view, an anonymous repository for his laptop showing no sign of the thousands who had been there before him and doubtless would continue its anonymous service long after he'd gone.

Then there were the beds. They were always soft, opulent and most of all, large. That seemingly endless stretch of either crisp starched linen or the siren seductiveness of silk made no difference to him. It was that wide, wide expanse that sneered at him, reinforcing his aloneness even more with the sight of the plush pillows each adorned with a carefully placed chocolate. Sweet little treats that he automatically swept aside into the waste paper basket instead of delicately unwrapping them and placing tenderly between the lips of a lover, as they were meant.

A walk into the bathroom tastefully decorated in 'hotel bland' would reveal a sparkling clinically clean white tiled space with a clear glass shower door that reflected his pale drawn face back to him. Turning to the white marble basin, he would survey with distaste the accoutrements placed there by an unknown chambermaid who had doubtless been informed that there was only one occupant: a miniature soap and a tiny plastic shampoo single-use bottle artistically arrayed on the crisp cold surface, each little item this time screaming its intention for solo usage. The solitary plush white towelling robe reflected in the mirror, revealed from its hiding place behind the door. The faint ubiquitous scent of pine disinfectant hanging in the air proclaiming sterility was emphasised with the pathetic little paper ribbon across the toilet lid announcing boldly, "sealed for your hygienic safety and convenience."

Kaname would usually scoff at the pathetic sop offered by it all, "hygienic safety and convenience" what the hell was that? Just a fancy way of saying clean, it all amounted to the same thing, just this version cost a lot more. With a last derisive snort he would turn on his heel and head back into the dimly lit bedroom turning his back on the large mirror that revealed far, far more than he cared to see.

The false friendliness of the mini bar fridge would draw him there as it hummed, dispensing the promise of relief of the day's woes. He would open it blankly scanning overpriced packets of nuts, jerky and crisps jostling shoulder to shoulder with scaled down cans of bourbon and cola, miniature one shot bottles of Scotch. Further back a rank of little bottles of wine, red, white or rose-coloured all elegantly labelled, all promising the same thing. "Pick me up and drink me whether straight from my open neck or daintily from your sanitised bathroom tooth glass, it doesn't matter, you will lose yourself here and only add $50 dollars to your room charge."

A small price to pay for the blessing of oblivion.

All of which led him to exactly where he was now, again, trapped in that relentless loop like a hamster on some pointless, endless wheel. His whole existence measured and divided for him by the relentless monster called business that ate his soul little by little, leaving him bereft, devoid and dying in inches.

He just caught himself as the soft sob bubbled up in his chest, appalled at how close it had gotten to escape from his throat. He placed his aching weary head down on his forearms on the desk, soft silken hair falling forwards over his arms revealing the pale vulnerable neck underneath. Gods, he would give anything to ease that ache, that relentless crushing feeling of being utterly alone that given half a chance would leap to life as full blown despair.

Unaware of the tiny keening noises emanating from his throat, he sighed and began to slide into fitful restless sleep.

**Next: Chapter Two – Silver moon in the darkness...**


	2. Silver moon in the darkness

_While Kaname sleeps restlessly in his lonely room, Zero has been just as restless too, far away in his heavenly domain. _

(For anyone who would like to see how Zero was transformed into an angelic muse you may find my other story, "The Gift", enlightening but this story stands alone well enough.)

As always I give heartfelt thanks to my beta, **Yengirl. **Her unfailing eye for detail adds sparkle and polish and her thoughts and suggestions enrich and add that special something. Thank you so very much once again. I encourage all those who read here to take a visit to **Yengirl's** fiction, sheer delight awaits you.

And now if you please, _**the destinies of two continue the journey to become one…**_

**Kaname's Dream**

**Chapter 2: Silver moon in the darkness**.

Slender golden spires pierced the canopy of clouds that shrouded the mountain with a soft dewy blanket, tucked into the nooks and crannies of the ragged hillside like a featherbed lovingly tucked around a quietly sleeping child. Snow lay thinly on the slate scattered lower slopes glittering with crystal brightness, clumps of snow bells poking through the icy crust bringing vivid little splashes of green, a harbinger of spring.

Roughness gave way to manicured terraces with the faint traces of snow fading as gleaming marble steps came into view. The stone was pure white shot through with veins of gold and as the broad steps rose higher and higher great bronze urns stood in pairs along each wide expanse. Each burnished vessel was filled with greenery that grew ever more lush as the sparkling walls of the palace grew nearer culminating in a riot of roses. Each deep scarlet, velvet hearted bloom was densely petalled, wafting a raft of scent over the courtyard. The great mass of flowers finally twining around the heavy marble columns that stood in pride of place next to the great golden doors of the palace.

The long ornately framed bank of windows glowed with buttery warmth, the comforting illumination in marked contrast to the thin silvery light of the lower grounds. Murmuring voices hummed in the background hinting at many beings within the marble stronghold.

The Goddess sat framed in the largest window of all, comfortably ensconced on the plush velvet seat that hugged the curve of the bay structure that allowed her such unfettered vision of her surroundings. She sat with seeming idleness, her be-ringed hands loosely clasped in her lap, her serene gaze following the stately progress of a pair of peafowl strutting across the terrace, the peacock resplendent in his emerald-azure livery as he paraded for his little drab peahen companion. A tinkling laugh rippled through the stillness and the startled birds gathered their finery with a nervous flourish and vanished into the shrubbery. The birds having thus fled, the Goddess resumed her attentions as to the goings on in the high vaulted room behind her.

Her eyes swept across the room noting each grouping of young and beautiful celestial beings as they stood about the airy room or sat in close conference; heads bent either in earnest conversation or with eyes closed in meditation. Satisfied with what she saw around her she relaxed her stance a little and looked with fondness at the youthful visage of the one she loved best, Zero.

Her lips turned up in a gentle smile as she fondly gazed upon his serene face, as Zero lay half sprawled across her feet, his slackened wings cradling him like a soft nest of feathers. His chest rose and fell with the soft steady rhythm of his relaxed breathing, one hand pillowed under his smooth cheek, his closed eyelids fluttering in the throes of a dream as he lay among the scattered velvet and cloth-of-gold cushions strewn in luxurious abandon over the gleaming polished floor.

Zero slept with all the soft easy grace of a child, his face utterly at rest.

He'd been sitting there at her knee with her long pale fingers stroking his smooth, moonlit hair; her fingertips relishing the exquisite silky feel as the fine strands slipped through her hand again and again. She felt the waves of growing unhappiness well over him clouding his normally bright silver aura with soft creeping tendrils of dark blue dimming his vitality day by day little by little. The Goddess sighed deeply perhaps the time had indeed come, loath, as she was to admit it.

She'd watched Zero for quite some time, growing steadily paler and now ever more agitated in the past few weeks, restlessly prowling from window to window, his gaze ever fixed to the world far, far below. She had seen his intense concentration as he paced along the plush red carpet strip defining the natural walkway along the windows, sometimes with his eyes closed, gathering every last little emanation that floated through the ether to be caught by his sensitive mind. The Goddess knew that Zero felt every little gasp of despair, every little keening of sorrow, every last muffled sob of anguish sent heavenwards by the troubled masses below. He felt everything as keenly as she did, his heart welling with compassion, for that was their role in this universe. To hear the pleas of the supplicants, to sift through that silken fog of emotion and give succour to those most in need, to offer hope to the hopeless, to those hapless souls teetering on the knife edge between life as it should be lived and the crushing pain of a world eternally, irrevocably grey.

Once the most deserving of those petitioners who'd made their desires known through their pleas and desperate thoughts were selected, individual heavenly muses then offered help and inspiration in the most subtle of ways. The divine messengers for the most part never showed themselves to those who longed for their help. It was simply not permitted for once gazed upon, those ethereal faces were never ever forgotten and revelation of their immortal beauty brought about such helpless longing that all else slipped from memory. Vital aspects of life became untended and unheeded causing a whole new slew of problems to the existing ones thus cancelling any hope, help and inspiration dealt out as the answers to those prayers.

Instead the celestial beings remained cloaked from agonized eyes and tended their charges in a myriad of other ways. For some people it was enough that they awoke with healing thoughts thrumming through their now relieved minds, clarity throwing back the clouds of grey that had once dwelt there. Others still, awoke from energizing dreams with vivid memories of the touch of a healing hand, cool fingers having stroked away feverish thoughts leaving behind health and vigour once more.

The luckiest few of all were graced with a physical token that, fervently held in quaking fingers would imbue their now lucky owner with the will to go on, with the knowledge that despair would indeed be conquered. Hearts began to heal under the tender mercies of their own personal helpful muse and slim tendrils of hope began to shoot forth.

Zero was one of those who left behind an anonymous physical reminder, thought the Goddess. Anyone lucky enough to receive intervention from her favourite received a strand of silk carefully pulled from any garment he happened to be wearing at the time. A little thread of hope carefully lain in a sleeping hand to enervate and revive a flagging spirit with soft scented dreams of renewal.

Except this time it was different. This time it was more than that, this time the cry that came burned right through Zero, claimed and marked his heart forever. That special call came but once in a lifetime and changed hearts irrevocably even as the one who uttered it did not fully comprehend the power of that silken bond that was strong as steel, unbreakable but also pliant beyond measure.

From her gilded celestial palace the Goddess had helped many broken burning souls over the millennia. She had sent her angelic messengers to inspire, to enlighten and to comfort those deemed worthy, to those who had shown themselves to be guiding lights before circumstances overwhelmed them.

But Zero was different.

The last few months had taken their toll on him. Zero's beautiful face was pale and drawn, a faint frown creasing his otherwise smooth brow. His every thought turned inward as he sat by the window feeling that strong connection thrum through his nerve endings as the faint pangs of unhappiness grew to great crashing waves of loneliness in that poor soul below. Each strangled sob swelled his own throat in empathy until the need in him overflowed and his beautiful amethyst eyes clouded with unshed tears.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

…_**A few days have passed…**_

As he so often did whenever he had a moment to spare, the beautiful silver haired angelic being that was Zero was once again gazing out of the window, staring unseeingly at the world below, his every sense and emotion tuned into that one, special being that had claimed his attention and thoughts for so many months. Finally he gave a long shuddering sigh and stood for a moment, his hands braced on the windowsill, white knuckled in the depths of his emotion. He had been feeling restless and unsettled for some time, the feelings within him were overwhelming enough but underneath it all there was something else that ate away at him. His many years of service to the Goddess had always been adequate to sustain him emotionally, the knowledge that he brought ease to so many gratifying indeed but now his own soul clamoured for someone to do the same for him.

Someone who would care for him and look after him and hold him, love him. He couldn't actually put a finger on as to whom that person could be or even where he could be found, he just knew that something tugged at his heartstrings so strongly. Fragments of images bombarded him when he closed his eyes, a suggestion of beautiful claret coloured eyes, silken hair and empty arms that once holding him would never let go. That embrace would claim him, soothe him, complete him and bring with it the knowledge that neither of them would ever be lonely again.

Enough!

The one in that lonely hotel room who cried out for succour had endured to the ends of hope. He had suffered enough ... and truth to tell so had Zero. He took in a deep breath and with a last glance down to the troubled world far beneath him made his decision, one that he knew would change lives, most of all his own. The time had come even though he knew it would cause her pain. Resolutely he turned and walked into the grand hall where she sat waiting, arrayed in splendour.

The Goddess was sitting on her golden throne when Zero's gentle presence teased her senses. She looked up and her eyes found him instantly. With a small smile on her lips, she watched as he approached her throne. It was a walk of thirty metres across the pure white marble floor, polished to a mirror shine by centuries of countless bare soles upon it. The Goddess had seen Zero walk up to her a million times and yet, his walk captivated her each time. Out of all her muses, male and female, old and young, only this nubile silver haired one had that special, inner grace that was so intrinsically a part of him. She watched him with a glow of pride in her luminescent eyes and a small smile on her lips as he covered the distance between them in no time at all despite moving without haste.

Zero was tall and straight-backed his pale well-defined shoulders held straight, slender toned arms held loosely by his sides. His wings were held at rest, each feathery appendage in perfect, graceful alignment with the other the surface of each iridescent feather smooth and sleek, almost shimmering with the celestial light of the palace. Zero's walk was slower than a stride, swifter than a stroll and quite the most beautiful thing to watch, Unbidden, the Goddess' smile grew wider as her favourite muse approached and his signature scent of sweet violet enveloped her, bringing with it a peace that never failed to touch her heart. Without hesitation, he dropped onto his knees before her, holding her gaze all this while with his head lifted and the pale graceful column of his throat exposed.

Zero was truly the Goddess' favourite muse and not only because of how he looked but also because of how he was inside and out. All her other hard working and selfless muses took equal pride in a job well done but to Zero, it was so much more than that. It was the very reason why he lived - to help someone. When he had succeeded in inspiring a despairing soul to find hope and love again, his joy was plain for everyone to see - Zero's very being would glow, from his silvery hair to those soft violet eyes to his pale pearly skin - even his feathers would shimmer with the barely held in joy. Always with joy, never shallow useless pride. He truly was the jewel amongst all the Goddess' muses and she loved him dearly.

The Goddess's loving gaze held his as he knelt there before her, his beautiful lilac eyes limpid with emotion. It was a moment of quiet reflection between them that needed no words. She reached out her hand and placed her cool palm on the crown of his moon-bright hair in a gesture that spoke of deep affection. With that, Zero lowered his head to rest in her lap, the smooth plush velvet of her emerald coloured gown infinitely soothing against his cheek. It was an old familiar gesture of long standing intimacy offering sweet comfort and closeness. Her unconditional love was what he needed now more than anything as the enormity of his decision and the consequences of it began to hit home.

Gently her hands covered his head, her energy flowing into him, swirling and enveloping him in a fine cloud of golden light. Zero felt the warmth of it envelop him and knew that no matter which path he chose now her infinite benevolence and heartfelt blessing would go with him.

"I must go to him, he suffers," Zero murmured in a soft low voice. The Goddess felt the first tiny severance of the bond between them, a minuscule snap as a silken thread twanged apart deep within her heart.

_I know_, she thought_, I yield to the inevitable my heart feels the first pangs of loss._

"I have been your right hand for many a long year. I have loved and revered you and nothing will ever change that."

_I have given you my love in full measure and my heart was enveloped with yours._

"The new bond is being spun, the bond that joins his life to mine. I can no longer deny my heart and nor do I want to, he draws me so. I long to be with him."

_The time is right. I have known this day must come but my heart aches with the thought even though it is the best thing for you._

"Give me your blessing, Mother."

_Always, my beloved son. Always_.

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

Next, Chapter 3: _Softly, softly in dark of night…._


	3. Softly, softly in dark of night

**A/N: ** Kaname that hardly can bear to live and Zero has barely begun to live. Two lives need to entwine and connect and one may be the saving of the other but is that moment at hand...or not yet?

Once again the deepest thanks to my sweet beta, **Yengirl**, the soul of generosity itself.

**Chapter 3: Softly, softly in dark of night.**

Kaname stirred restlessly, the vague discomfort of sleeping at his desk not quite enough to wake him fully. The usual blackness of exhaustion swirled uneasily through his unconsciousness causing him to give little fretful utterances and mutters as he shifted restlessly every few minutes in a futile search for ease.

A series of scattered images flitted ethereally through the deepest recesses in his mind, strongest amongst them were a pair of eyes, beautiful beguiling tear-filled eyes. A feeling of faint warmth accompanied the images as if a gentle hand had been laid on the vulnerable pale nape of his neck. Kaname hovered on the brink of wakefulness and sleep, dimly aware of something that was not quite how it ought to be, a sense of being watched but not in a worrisome way slowly pervading his normally dreamless sleep. As he struggled to free himself from the embrace of oblivion a series of sensations that were normally alien to him flashed through him. An odd sense of not wanting to wake, to somehow hang onto these shades and shadows in his mind, a sense of not wanting to leave this calmer peaceful place he skirted on the edges of as he grew more and more awake. Kaname finally shook himself free of the last clinging remnants of sleep and sat up, feeling heavy headed, groggy and having no real sense of reality around him.

Kaname finally staggered to his feet, scrubbing his face with long slim fingers before peering owlishly about him, certain of being observed, certain of some unseen presence in his room. Nothing showed itself on first glance and he yawned deeply as he shook the last of sleep from himself. He stepped forward and paused, then stretched his back, wincing at the cracks and creaks released by his protesting sinews and joints, cursing softly but heatedly under his breath, reminding himself he was all kinds of fool to have fallen asleep yet again at the desk. Casting glances about him he made his way into the over-sanitised bathroom, the sting of the antiseptically fragranced air causing him to grimace. He turned the tap on, hard, while he dropped the plug into its neat little hole and turned his attention to the mirror while the water hissed and foamed into the marble basin.

Firstly he peered at the mirrored image of the shower stall behind him ascertaining that no one was there, the sweep of his eyes checking the empty reflection behind the half closed door. Having satisfied himself he was indeed alone no matter what the strange dream had left him feeling of being observed, he then reluctantly allowed his gaze to take in the pallid reflection of his own face.

His reflection showed a tall, dark haired man still fully in the first flush of youth, creamy skin contrasting well with long dark hair with shimmering rosewood highlights. Raising one corner of a well-defined lip he inspected his teeth, strong, white and well proportioned. He licked his lips and shut his mouth, his eyes continuing their inspection of his features taking in strong cheekbones defining and sculpturing his face, his brow mostly smooth the mere hint of a frown, which was threatening to become a permanent feature. Unable to put it off any longer Kaname allowed himself to look straight into the reflection of his eyes.

On the surface of things they were elegantly beautiful. Almond shaped, fringed with a sooty sweep of movie starlet lashes, delicious pools of rosewood flecked with a glint of gold. Closer inspection revealed them to be almost devoid of life at this moment. The glossy irises hid the anguish well enough from all but the deepest inquisition, hiding that growing hopelessness that threatened to engulf him further day after day as Kaname struggled to maintain some kind of false façade of well being albeit a touch sombre rather than cheery. The strain of that necessary illusion he had to show the world around him while he was slowing fading away on the inside, was beginning to slide like a roller coaster, leading to an unstoppable erosion of his soul and spirit.

Feeling the imminent hateful return of that soul-destroying sob Kaname plunged his face into the cool crystal water in the basin, unable to stand the self-introspection any longer. He blew bubbles, feeling them percolate around his face changing his focus from mental to physical. He held his face under for as long as he could, purportedly to wash his face but dimly aware of praying for an end to all this, while on a faint distant level knowing that things could not be so easy. Minutes ticked by and the traitorous part of his mind clicked into survival mode causing him to rise again, coughing and gagging reaching for the thick soft towel hanging near by. With a last reproachful look at his reflection he strode back into the bedroom mopping his face and hair as he went across the room to sit on the side of the bed. That large soft double bed that mocked him yet further, its very width and comfort reminding him it was meant for two, for a companion, a lover. Not for some solitary traveller like himself to lie through the long dark hours, twisting and turning finding no pleasure, not even that of sleep.

Scrubbing the towel over his hair, Kaname sighed as he worked to wring the worst of the water from his long, now be-draggled locks, dabbing his face dry as he went. He slung the towel around the back of his neck and sat with his hands loosely locked together, his elbows resting on his spread knees, eyes downcast and his gaze idly, blankly sliding across the floor. His eyes remotely registered that his shoes were sprawled near his desk along with a fallen envelope as well as the hotel door key. Sighing deeply he flung himself backwards dispiritedly lying there flat on his back, the soft plush mattress no softer than a plank of wood in his blank state of mind. But as he lay there something niggled, something wasn't right. Mentally he tried to focus on it but it eluded him and he shut his aching eyes.

A minute later he sat bolt upright and rose from the bed as if jerked up by a string. Kaname strode back to the desk and bent and picked up a small white object from the floor close by his shoes.

It was a feather.

A soft, white, curled feather.

Kaname's thoughts refused to come to some sort of order. He looked at the small soft downy scrap resting like a little cloud on his palm, no longer than his pinkie. There was no earthly reason for a feather to be where he found it. Glancing back at his bed he confirmed to himself that there was no duvet, no feather pillows or cushions. A few steps took him to the wardrobe where a quick look established the lack of a feather duster.

Kaname flopped down onto the bed still staring at the feather. It was curiously warm in his hand, gentle warmth that spread through his palm and seeped into his chilly fingers. Detecting a faint scent around him he lifted the little feather to his nose and gently inhaled. Soft wafts of sweet violet met his nose, adding to the allure of the mysterious object. It was such a small insignificant thing, just a feather, but it posed such a puzzle to his mind. Where had it come from? Why was it here in his room? The intellectual part of his mind wrestled with these questions but the instinctual part of his reasoning just soaked up the soft emanations filling the atmosphere in the immediate area of that innocent little feather. His hand grew warmer and warmer, flickers of warmth pulsing quietly through his cool flesh. He found himself strangely, illogically, thinking that he wanted to hold that feather forever. Kaname shook his head at the oddness of that thought. It didn't seem like anything that he would think and yet there it was.

He did not want to put that feather down. Found himself totally unable to let go of it.

Some tiny tendril softly unfurling deep in his consciousness bloomed with the need to listen to this strange part of his mind that was allowing him to feel something other than black despair. Without knowing why he felt this way but with the utmost relief welling over him, Kaname lay back down on his bed and brought his hand up, laying both it and the suddenly precious feather over his heart. He closed his eyes and lay there thinking things over. It was not long before sleep claimed him again, tantalising his dreams with soft images of violet eyes, mysteriously unexplained but bringing a faint promise of an easing, a lightening up of his troubled thoughts.

Anyone who knew Kaname, or even a casual observer passing by, would have looked at the scene before them and marvelled, unable to believe that it was the same haggard man who had entered the room such a short time ago and was so wracked with torment. Now, Kaname lay quietly sleeping with one hand tucked under his cheek, the other pressed over his heart, the merest wisp of the feather peeking out from his clenched fingers…the faintest of faint, tentative smiles on his face.

~O~O~O~

Far away in that gilded castle nestled in the misty heavens Zero smiled quietly too, thoughtfully rubbing the place from which he had plucked that beautiful perfect fragrant feather, deep, deep within the downiest, softest place in the tenderest nook of his inner pearly wing. He then slowly turned away from his window his fingers lingering gently over that little sore spot, his heart racing a little with the thrill of the unknown to come and quiet expectation beginning to bloom in his soul.

~O~O~O~

Next, Chapter 4: _**Sanctuary in the dark**_.


	4. Sanctuary in the dark

**A/N: **So good fortune has smiled upon Kaname it would seem… but sometimes all is not that it seems…

And it is with pleasure that I present my lovely beta, **Yengirl**, once again. Keen of eye and light of heart, she once again sprinkles her magical fairy dust on my words and then they too gain a little shine. Thankyou.

**Sanctuary in the dark**.

_Several days later…_

Kaname awoke in yet another beige hotel room in yet another anonymous city, just another day in that long cavalcade of days that streamed through his life. Yet somehow not the same, not quite. Something was different about this day, subtle and unfathomable, a sense of impending change that had been nibbling away at the back of his mind for several days now.

Staring blankly up at the ceiling, Kaname's thoughts were still in a disorderly tangle, and the mystery of the feather still swirled through his mind. His hand clutched the pocket of his pyjama jacket, thumb and forefinger delving into the smooth silk to check that the feather was still there. An automatic wave of relief releasing as pleasurable endorphins flowed into his brain as he satisfied himself that he still had it.

The strange little feather had become a sort of talisman to him, he never went anywhere without it since having discovered it just a few days ago. His shirt selection was now not based on colour or style anymore but on whether the garment had a pocket or not. Kaname had even gone to the lengths of buying himself a whole slew of new dress shirts, T-shirts for rare stolen moments at the hotel gym, silk pyjama tops also included, just to make sure he was never without a garment with a pocket over his heart. Kaname couldn't fathom why but he just knew that having the white, scented feather close to his weary, lonely heart somehow made the world seem less black, less painful.

Flinging back the midnight blue velvet bedspread, he swung his legs over the side of the bed, pausing a moment before standing and padding over to the window. He pressed the button, which allowed the heavy drapes to slide back and reveal the cool grey morning to him. He pressed his palms to the broad windowsill and allowed his gaze to sweep across the view ahead of him. Soft foggy rain drizzled down over the city, the streets mirror-slick with water, the early morning traffic sparse still, making soft whooshing noises as it hurried on heedless of Kaname's gaze from twenty stories up.

A pigeon whirred down out of the sky and came to a messy flapping halt on the window ledge, shaking raindrops out of its slaty blue feathers. It paced along the sooty concrete ledge and stopped in front of Kaname, cocking a beady eye to look up at him, giving an inquisitive "coo?". Its obsidian bright eyes roamed over him, totally unappreciative of the perfect specimen of masculine beauty in front of it. Kaname pressed his forehead against the cold glass heedless of the cool pressure against his brow, his senses perceiving no cold, no sensation other than the faint warmth emanating from his pyjama jacket pocket.

As he continued his introspection he became dimly aware of a soft rapping noise on the door of his suite.

"Come in," he called without turning away from the window. He heard the door open and registered the soft clink of glassware and the quiet movement of rubber wheels over carpet. The sound of an "Ahem" caught his ear and he turned to see the room attendant with eyes downcast respectfully waiting a few paces behind him, account book and pen proffered on a little silver tray.

"Sorry to interrupt you sir, but I need you to sign this, please."

Kaname took a step closer and picked up the slip of paper, running his eye over the figures there and then signing it without looking up at the room service clerk. He was totally unaware of the havoc he was wreaking on the young man's nervous system. As Kaname wrote the other man's eyes raced up and down the former's face and body, his cheeks crimsoning as his gaze traced a reverent pathway from the tousled, shiny, messy bed hair, lingered longingly on the unbuttoned black silk jacket which hung open, showing a smooth expanse of creamy skin and then flicked past his belly button and furtively further along Kaname's hips where the draw-string waist of his soft silken pants dipped enticingly.

"Here you go, all done."

The young waiter came to with a guilty start as he realised Kaname was holding the signed paperwork and pen out to him.

"Oh, yes sir, thank you sir…. Oh, thank you very much, sir,"

The young man replaced the docket and writing implement on his tray then fumbled the fifty-dollar note Kaname had pressed into his sweaty palm away into his pocket. "Enjoy your breakfast, sir. If there is anything else, anything at all, I would be only too glad to attend you further. Sir."

"You're welcome, I'm sure, I'll keep that in mind," Kaname murmured absently already turning his attention to the breakfast trolley. The waiter slipped out of the room, silently closing the solid door behind him. He paused a moment and his cheeks flushed further as he thought of the generous, good-looking businessman behind the door. If only all the hotel's patrons were half as generous and half as good looking, he thought wryly. It might make the long hours and meagre tips worthwhile. He continued down the hall to the lift, the penthouse guest's handsome looks occupying his thoughts intensely.

Kaname moodily inspected the contents of the chrome and glass trolley, lifting the shiny lids off the hot dishes and disinterestedly noting each offering. Softly scrambled eggs, all buttery and parsley flecked hid underneath one silver cloche and a tangle of crispy bacon slices surrounded by cheesy grilled tomato halves, tottered in an unwieldy pile under the other lid. An ornate silver toast rack held six halves of perfectly browned thinly sliced bread and small dishes of butter curls and zesty orange marmalade nestled nearby. A large crystal pitcher held cool orange juice, ice cubes jostling for space with thin slices of orange amid emerald flecks of shredded mint leaves. Lastly a large silver thermos-style carafe of coffee brought up the rear.

Kaname's lip curled in distaste as the fragrant scents reached him, his appetite deserting him yet again. He clapped the ornate domed lids back onto the hot dishes and reached down to the under shelf of the trolley to fetch up a heavy cut crystal glass. He splashed a half measure of juice into it, sipped at it and then crossed a few paces to the little marble topped coffee table and put the glass down on the coaster thoughtfully placed there. Returning to the trolley, he slapped marmalade onto a piece of toast, spurning the butter, clamping the bread between his even white teeth as he retrieved a large gold rimmed coffee mug from below and filled it to the brim with black coffee, not giving a second glance to the cream and sugar sitting on the lower shelf as well.

The fact that the trolley held enough food for a small hungry army yet sported only one juice glass and one coffee mug caused a familiar spike of bitterness to twist in his gut yet again. His solo status had been underlined once more…no need for two cups or glasses, no chance of a lover sharing a delicious breakfast after a night spent exploring the limits of ecstasy. Kaname touched his pocket almost unthinkingly, the soft warmth within sending a tiny, tiny shot of wellbeing through him enough to momentarily clip back the wings of black depression threatening to clamp down on his thoughts like a gleeful beast of prey.

Covering the distance to the velvet-clad armchair in two easy paces, Kaname dropped himself carelessly into it, one lean, taut thigh hooked over the arm of the chair and absently bit into his toast slice, his innate grace ensuring that not one drop of coffee spilled to mar either his silk night attire or the pretty chair.

He closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the soft velvet while he chewed, swallowing automatically and feeding another bite into his mouth. He paid no attention to what he had in his mouth; it may as well have been cardboard. For a very long time now Kaname had only eaten to live. Solitary hurried dining at some very anti-social hours had taken its toll on him, food was now just a mechanism to keep the machine in some sort of running order and oft times he rejected food totally relying on the false well being in a glass or three, of red wine.

When checking into yet another hotel and when yet another receptionist quizzed him as to his breakfast preferences he usually just shrugged and asked for whatever was "popular", knowing he would ignore most of it any way. It didn't much matter one way or the other, so let them send whatever was the chef's whimsy for the day.

Crunching up the last bite of marmalade smeared crust and washing it down with the last of the now cooling coffee Kaname turned his thoughts back to the feather. He took it out of his breast pocket and idly twirled it to and fro between his long pale fingers. After endless speculation as to how it came to be in his possession he'd now moved on as to why it seemed to make him feel better. Why should a feather of all things, imbue him with a faint hope that somehow his ill fortune was due for a turn-around, that something somehow was going to improve the bleakness of his existence? It didn't make any sense at all Kaname thought as he brought the small fluffy thing up to his nose and gently inhaled the soothing violet scent that had not faded a bit despite being sniffed at every so often in the past few days. Losing himself in the moment, Kaname shut his eyes again and just sat, allowing his mind to wander at will.

Tangled thoughts and images flooded his mind, an esoteric flow of feelings and pictures projected as if on a screen. Amethyst eyes, salty copious tears, the measured beat of a steadfast heart and the infinite softness of wings, plush angelic wings, were amongst the strange new thoughts that filled him whenever he touched his 'lucky charm', as he'd come to think of his tiny white wisp of hope.

A shiver of gooseflesh ran over his skin and Kaname opened his eyes with a start, swivelling himself in his chair to take in the wall clock's white face. The hands showed he'd been sitting there for over an hour. _Gods, not again,_ he thought, the hours seemed to vanish down some sinkhole lately. He found himself time and time again startled to find he'd lost track so badly that he always seemed to be in a rush for the next meeting, the next limo, the next pointless luncheon, the next anything at all. He was going to be late again and that pompous ass who ran the steering committee was sure to make the wrong proposal while nervously waiting for Kaname's appearance.

Kaname leapt to his feet and stripped off his pyjama top, dropping it to the chair while pulling loose the drawstring of his pants. They fell to the floor in a silken cloud as he stepped out of them and strode into the bathroom simultaneously reaching for his waterproof shaver and twisting the tap lever to dispense hot water in the shower. The hum of the battery powered razor combined with the hiss of the water provided a background of white noise which Kaname found soothing, allowing his over active mind to hover in neutral for a while. Time enough to exert his tired brain when the meeting started. Feeling his cheeks, he decided that the shave was close enough and turned his attention to lathering up his lean torso, cleanliness and the pleasant feel of the warm water his only thoughts for the moment.

Back in the bedroom all was still when Kaname reappeared and hurriedly donned his fresh clothing, throwing his pyjamas and yesterday's shirt, socks and underwear into his overnight case, closely followed by his still damp toiletries bag. His eye caught the time and he swore softly under his breath, scooping up keys, wallet, laptop, cell phone, cramming his feet into his polished loafers and was out of the door in an instant, the door shutting behind him with a quiet snick of the well oiled lock.

The feather lay underneath the armchair in that centimetre gap between the base and the floor where it had been puffed by the rush of air made by the falling garments.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

**Next, chapter 5**: _The darkest place._


	5. The darkest place

**A/N:** Sometimes it seems when the light out of the darkness is just beyond your tips of your fingers; the only choice is to turn your face to the wall. Or is it? Kaname wavers on the brink and the velvet inky darkness beckons with its seductive song….

Also once again it is time to applaud the wonderfulness that is my Beta – **Yengirl**.

Oft times she is the little light that glimmers in the dark for me. Thank you.

**Ch 5: The Darkest Place.**

The gleaming black Mercedes stood at the base of the majestic flight of wide sandstone steps that formed part of the ornate entrance to the hotel. Kaname's chauffeur snapped to attention, swung the rear passenger side door open for him while also placing his hand palm up to guard the rim of the door opening so that his employer wouldn't hit his head during his hurried egress into the car.

"Good morning Kuran-sama! How very nice to see you sir," murmured the elderly man as he smartly closed the door behind Kaname and hastened around to the driver's door and slid smoothly into the leather driver's seat of the elegant vehicle. Adjusting his peaked cap he gazed at his young master deferentially while awaiting instructions.

"Yes, good morning Akira. How is Aiko this morning? In the most robust of health I hope? I need to get the Westside building in rather a hurry I'm afraid, I'd appreciate it if you could step on it a little. I should have been there more than half an hour ago." Kaname felt like small talk was the last thing he wanted but Akira was a long term trusted and valued servant and Kaname was at his most courteous with people that had offered him faithful service. He surreptitiously cast a fretful eye at his wristwatch while he listened to the man's reply.

"Of course sir, no trouble at all. Aiko is doing very well and sends her best wishes sir," replied the old man warmly, deeply gratified that his busy, busy boss had taken a minute to enquire after his spouse. Kaname nodded and managed a small but sincere smile before burying his attention into the sheaf of papers he was already hauling out of his attaché case. With that the driver carefully checked his side mirrors and pulled out into the relentlessly surging yet still maddeningly slow morning traffic.

While he skilfully integrated them into the fastest lane of the now almost tortoise-paced peak period traffic, Akira took a moment to glance at Kaname again. _Young master looked terrible lately_, he thought to himself, _and today_ _is no exception, so pale and tired looking all the time these days_. He sat there covertly watching Kaname surrounded by paperwork flicking and reading through the reams of material, a frown creasing his forehead and his hand nervously brushing absently through his hair. Akira enjoyed his job as driver for the Kuran Industries Group but Kaname-sama was his favourite without a doubt.

Kaname never forgot the old man's birthday or that of his chauffeur's wife of many years who simply doted on the handsome bachelor, twittering with delight as birthday greetings were accompanied by a debonair kiss on the back of her hand. Beribboned baskets of hothouse flowers, French champagne and enormous lacquer boxes of creamy chocolate truffles arrived on those occasions without fail as well as the lovely month long vacation to somewhere warm and relaxing each year, all generously paid for by his kind boss, out of his own pocket. Last year Kaname had treated them to a beautiful lavish party for their golden wedding anniversary and Akira smiled warmly with the memory of it. _A kinder soul never lived_, he thought and it pained him to see the young man in this pitiful distracted state, always rushing to meetings and business engagements galore, never receiving instructions from him to take Kaname to a night club or a party or a movie with a friend. If anyone ever deserved the love and happiness that came from having someone to love and cherish it was his lonely young master. Akira shook his head with mild regret and returned his attention to the road ahead.

Kaname was unaware of the scrutiny of a pair of kindly brown eyes as he tried to gather his thoughts and tried to find the relevant pages of the report he was due to give this morning. Once upon a time he never used to rely on printed pages, having the capacity to carry every last detail in his head but he found as these… _blackouts_… increased he had trouble remembering even the simplest string of facts if they numbered more than a few.

"Here we are sir, the Westside building. Do you want the south entrance this morning Kuran-sama?"

"No, here at the main entrance will do, thank you Akira." Kaname fumbled in his pocket for his wallet not noticing his cell phone slide out onto the plush leather seat. "I won't need you for some hours Akira, not until say, 2 pm. Why don't you take a couple of hours or so off and slip away and buy something pretty to take home to Aiko?" He pulled a crisp fifty dollar-note out of his wallet and pressed it into the surprised man's palm. Brushing off the protestations of his loyal employee, Kaname was already grabbing his bag and laptop, scrambling out of the car before the chauffeur had a chance to get out and open the door for him. Fretfully noting the time on his watch he hurried up the stairs of the building without a backwards glance and disappeared into the slowly spinning revolving door.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

The middle-aged maid walked the careful walk of the perpetually tired along the corridor until she came to the executive suite where she paused, fishing for the master key in her apron pocket. The key turned smoothly, the door swung open noiselessly and she entered dragging her equipment laden cleaning trolley behind her. Pausing a moment she cast a weary glance inside the bathroom first, its condition would reveal whether this room was going to be a nightmare or a breeze to clean. The shower-stall was damp, the sink had a tiny puddle off to one side and the towel was slung over the glass door. Advancing over to the sink she was glad to note there weren't any horrible surprises there for her either in the way of shaving soap, whiskers and worse. Good, she thought, a classy gentleman at last instead of the usual careless, commercial traveller.

She busied her self with wiping down all the surfaces and mopping the chequered black and white tiled floor, humming tunelessly while refilling the soap dish and hanging a fresh fluffy towel on the chrome rack. Finishing off with a last swipe at the gleaming mirror she headed back out into the bedroom. Crossing the room she went about the rest of her chores with long practiced ease, stripping the bed and replacing linen in a matter of minutes. In no time at all the bed was beautifully restored with fluffy pillows, taut midnight blue velvet bedspread and with a new pair of hazelnut chocolates placed just so, awaiting delectation.

The maid stood still for a moment, stretched her back and thought about the fresh jam donut waiting for her in the staff canteen. Looking around she chewed on her bottom lip for a moment as she pondered whether to cut a few corners and just vacuum the middle of the room, seeing as it was practically spotless anyway. Her bunions gave a twinge as she shifted from foot to foot as she stood there mentally weighing up the merits of the warm, sugary donut accompanied by a large cup of reviving coffee as against cleaning a room that hardly needed it. What to do…what to do?

Her conscience pricked her after all, and after a few more seconds of deep contemplation duty won out. She kicked the starter switch into action on her vacuum cleaner and slowly began sliding the long handled implement to and fro in tight little slides, back and forth, back and forth. As she passed it along the front of the armchair the suction made the delicate feather quiver and tremble as the draft whistled into the narrow gap. Each new sweeping motion edged the feather a little closer to being sucked away into the maw of the roaring machine.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

The meeting droned on and on and though he struggled to hide it, Kaname grew uncharacteristically restless in his seat, his attention wavering while the steady flow of facts and figures failed abysmally to capture his interest. He knew the chairman's secretary would supply him with a transcript anyway, so thus his mind was definitely elsewhere.

His hurried arrival had seen him burst through the double doors clutching his bulging leather brief case, looking as flustered as some junior partner on his first day in the spotlight. Sidling along the tight space between the backs of the chairs and the timber panelled wall he nodded briefly and tersely muttered what sounded suspiciously like an apology, causing a few eyebrows to lift as the occupants of the room, friend and foe alike wondered a little at Kaname's odd behaviour. Most had not seen him in any other role other than polished, seasoned wheeler and dealer, ready to do battle in the arena with all comers; apologies were not generally in his repertoire. Sitting down in the vacant seat that had been left for him, he began to search through his case for pen and folders and tried to pull his self into some semblance of order.

Thirty minutes passed and Kaname's head ached dully so he rubbed the bridge of his nose, seeking to ease the pain a little. As he did so with his left hand, his right slid under his jacket front and dipped into his shirt pocket searching for his feather. His fingers felt all through his top pocket and didn't encounter that expected softness, for a moment his mind was blank when suddenly a flash of uneasiness speared through his thoughts. _Gone. Couldn't be._

He felt again, his fingers a little unsteady now as his groping grew a little frantic, the knowledge that his feather was not in his pocket galvanising his brain.

_Gone…gone…gone._

Kaname felt a light sheen of sweat film over his brow as simultaneously his gut constricted and a sour metallic tang flooded his mouth as his dismay grew with each passing second. Even though he knew his talisman wouldn't be anywhere else he still rummaged through his inner jacket pockets as well as each of his trouser pockets. He suddenly noticed that the room had grown quiet around him and he became aware that the Chairman was looking at him expectantly.

"As I was saying Kuran-sama, I am sure we are all looking forward to hearing your thoughts on the continuation of the project currently under consideration." He motioned for Kaname to take his place at the lectern and smiled at him encouragingly if a little nervously. He wasn't used to Kaname being so distracted and he was a creature of habit that didn't like change. There were millions of dollars riding on this deal and things going awry at this late stage in the dealings just didn't bear thinking about.

Frowning and pre-occupied, Kaname picked up his papers, strode the few steps to the podium and cleared his throat and looked at the expectant faces around the polished boardroom table. His thoughts were racing through his mind and his fingers itched to keep searching the pockets he realistically knew were going to come up empty no matter how often he groped through them.

_Where is it? It was here… I know it was. Can't be gone. Can't…be…gone. _

Kaname's body acted almost on autopilot as his mind continued to catalogue his options.

"Thank you Mr Chairman. Now as regards to the North Star oil options, as you all know I am all in favour of…of the options…being…" Kaname's voice petered out and he shuffled his papers, hoping to find inspiration there as his normally sharp business intellect turned traitorous and betrayed him. Clearing his throat he cast a glance around the faces surrounding the table, some indifferent and some a little incredulous. Hoping to give himself a moment to gather his wits he glanced around himself a little wildly, his eye falling on the water jug. He grabbed the pitcher and sloshed some water into the glass and took several sips.

_Gone, gone, gone,_ reverberated in his head.

He heard himself speak as if from a long, long way away. "Yes…as I was saying, the options are…North Star is well within our grasp…it is…"

Kaname's voice faded out yet again and the men around the table looked at each other uneasily, this meeting was turning into a situation none of them had ever seen before. The eloquent, elegant head of the company was standing there strangely tongue tied and distracted, his usually careful bland façade showing distinct signs of cracking under some internal strain that they had no knowledge of.

Inside Kaname's head the black thunderclouds were gathering. His surroundings were telescoping down around him and he couldn't focus on anything other than his building misery. He shuffled papers for a few seconds more when suddenly his mind snapped to a decision. What ever was happening here was as ashes, he neither knew or cared what the outcome of these multi-million dollar talks was going to be if he left; but leave he was going to. He needed to find his good luck charm. _Now._

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

Straightening her back with an audible creak she sighed with satisfaction that the morning's work was done. The grey haired chambermaid gave a final tweak to the already taut dark blue bedspread and adjusted the little silver vase on the highly polished bedside table. It held a tiny bunch of tender violets and their subtle fragrance was already sweetening the air. It was her way of rewarding "nice" guests; she grew the flowers on her little balcony and always brought some to work as a gift for the occupants that made her day easier. The maid smiled to herself and gathered up her dusters and mops, along with other sundry accoutrements of her calling. A smile of satisfaction knowing that a job was well done graced her tired face as she looked around at the gleaming, fragrant room. It was well worth the time taken for the second burst of vacuuming, she was sure that the nice young man residing in this room would be very pleased with her thoroughness.

With a final glance around, she wheeled the trolley out of the room, locking the door behind her, thoughts of work put aside as that picture of her well earned sugar-dusted donut danced in her head along with the utter nirvana of putting her tired feet up while she savoured her treat. The thought of it was so cheering she decided that she might as well have two! The woman made her way down to the lift with a new spring in her step, a little smile lighting up her usually care worn face.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~

Kaname found himself in the street, desperately scanning the parked cars in hopes of seeing the gleaming Mercedes waiting for him. He rifled through his pockets yet again hoping against hope that his treasure was not lost, his fingers also automatically searching for his cell phone. Kaname came up empty handed on both fronts and his frustration welled over as he remembered he'd given Akira the morning off. With a barely stifled curse leaving his agitated lips as he ran a shaky hand through his hair, he paused for a moment at the bottom of the sandstone stairs leading to the busy street.

_No phone, no chauffeur, no feather._ _Damn it all to hell!_

Kaname's ability to string a coherent thought together was crumbling fast. The old, recently shed blackness swelled within his head, threatening to press in and overwhelm him as his eyes continued to search the street looking for what he was not quite sure of anymore. The relentless, driving refrain of _gone…gone…gone…_continued to dominate his thoughts like some horrible chorus stuck in his head, refusing to leave him alone.

The hotel. He needed to go back to the hotel. That was most urgent in his mind at that moment. It was the last place he was sure he had his talisman and the need to return and search for it flooded his thoughts to the exclusion of all else. As if a homing beacon had been turned on in his head all he could think was to head back there quickly before he imploded under the now all too familiar panic rising in his chest. The increasingly cloudy sky overhead grew darker still and thunder rumbled in the middle distance, matching the bleak greyness in Kaname's heart.

A pre-occupied Kaname found himself already unwittingly heading in the direction of his luxury accommodation on foot, unaware and uncaring of the glances now following in his wake. Even blank eyed and somewhat dishevelled the handsome man still drew interested, admiring looks from bystanders as he hurriedly threaded his way through the thickening crowds of shoppers. After some minutes of frustratingly impeded progress came an added aggravation as the ominous skies overhead now opened up and rain began to fall, faintly at first then growing steadily heavier, bringing a dull sheen to the concrete sidewalk.

Kaname hardly noticed at first as the initial water drops merely beaded on the on the surface of the fine woollen fabric of his deep slate-grey Armani suit and slid off the tops of his highly polished brogues. Only the sinking doomed feeling in his midsection registered at all with him, despondency overtaking him at an alarming rate.

He didn't know why he felt so laid low with the mere loss of a feather, of all things, Kaname just knew that the brief euphoria and sense of well being he'd experienced for a short few days just evaporated. He felt flat and grey and so helplessly tormented as if he'd been allowed a glimpse of paradise only to have it snatched away so rapidly it made his head spin. It made no sense but there it was, solid unhappy fact.

His feet grew leaden and he ground to a halt in the middle of the road, having miraculously arrived there mishap free with the end of the rush hour traffic flowing past him in both directions. Raindrops ran down his hair and face as he stood there, oblivious to everything, even his earlier panic seemed to vanish as everything about him remained static; thoughts and actions frozen in the moment. Traffic streamed past him in a steady flow, seemingly heedless of his plight save for the odd driver tooting his horn as a warning.

~0~0~0~0~0~

Akira relished the fact that Kaname had given him some hours off and had decided to go to the old quarter of town; there were many little trinket shops there along with quaint cosy inns offering tempting salty ramen soup and cool beer to wash it down with. In fact he had just finished a delicious, spicy shrimp-laden bowlful even though it was a little early for lunch. His dear Aiko loved cream-cake and sweets for her morning break but he had always been a soup man. Having strolled along perusing the shopfronts, stopping for a few moments to buy his wife a lavishly gift wrapped package of assorted fruity delicious cream puffs to enjoy at home, he had remembered to get twice as many strawberry ones as the other flavours. Akira smiled at the thought of his dear Aiko trying to be lady like as she started on her treat with a cake fork, knowing it would end with much mmm-mmm-ing and delicate licking of fingertips. He was now at a loose end, idly sitting in the luxurious car with a newspaper unfolded in front of him.

Reading though had somehow little appeal today; he couldn't concentrate and felt unsettled, usually the sports pages kept him absorbed for ages. The more he tried to resume reading the harder it became; strangely enough Kuran-sama kept appearing in his thoughts and an odd sense of foreboding filled him. Akira repeatedly looked up and out of his side window seeing just the normal hustle and bustle around him, no one looked as though anything was wrong. As he further mused blankly over the paper he became aware of a light floral scent around him and the feeling that his young master needed him overwhelmed his every thought. The strange atmosphere intruded heavily on his thoughts but still he lingered a moment longer, feeling foolish, shaking his head at these unusual melodramatics that were so uncharacteristic of him.

It was no good. Akira shook his head again, folded up his newspaper and started up the car deciding to go with his impulses. As he did so the flowery fragrant aura around him bloomed into a scented cloud as if in approval and Akira felt a burst of well being as he headed back down town in search of Kaname.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~

The rain fell down in soft sheets, leaving the cityscape battleship grey and sodden. A myriad of coloured umbrellas popped open along the sidewalks, transforming the charcoal grey background with a false gaiety as people hurried and shivered about their business.

Kaname stood rooted to the spot in the middle of the traffic, as he had been for several minutes now, unaware as to how he had arrived there. His hair was plastered to his head, rivulets of water running unheeded down his face. His beautiful suit sodden now too, the slate-grey colour now deepened to black as the cloth soaked up moisture. Slight tremors wracked him and water dripped and ran down his fingertips and his normally pale face was blanched into such bone whiteness that his skin was nearly translucent, a little pale blue vein throbbing across his temple as his agitation grew.

Kaname stood there, stripped down to his essential self; smooth, confident businessman totally pared away, all that was left was a mass of seething raw emotion as all rational thoughts were temporarily banished. His head drooped forwards and his eyes were screwed tightly shut as the torturous imps that had so long plagued him poured back into his psyche, goading him with those little trident spiked words that he knew so well.

_Thought you were happy didn't you? Thought the bad days were over, you fool. Why should a feather make you happy? It's just a feather, an inanimate object, you're lucky they don't come and lock you away with foolishness like that in your head, it would make a child laugh to see the sort of fairy tales you believe in. There is no instant happiness for someone like you is there? The only happiness you can depend on comes out of a bottle and why did you think that there was anything different?_

A low groan came from between Kaname's teeth as he swayed perilously there in the centre of the traffic, more cars honking their horns now causing the odd hurried pedestrian to turn and look briefly but the slashing rain put paid to anyone to actually venturing out to see what was amiss there on the uncomfortably narrow centre island between the traffic lanes.

_You know how to fix this don't you? Step out; just step out and your problems are over, snap! In an instant you could be free from all this torment and you know no one would miss you don't you?_

Kaname's eyes opened and he peered about him not bothering to try to wipe the stinging rain from his face. He looked left and right and straightened his shoulders and came to a decision.

~0~0~0~0~0~

**Next: Chapter 6. Blessing in the dark.**


	6. Blessing in the dark

**A/N:** Hidden in the heart of every nightmare there is a dream, a place half glimpsed when night is at it's darkest. It is that glimpse that drives us on with a slender promise that all is not lost; it's just a hope that has been misplaced.

It's that tiny beacon of hope that connects Zero and Kaname; for both of them it lays just a tantalizing finger's touch away….

And to my dear Beta – **Yengirl**, who shines her little beacon in my direction once more. The soft light that she casts over my words illuminates brightens and clarifies and I give you my thanks and gratitude; it's not nearly enough but it comes from the heart.

**Chapter 6: Blessing in the dark.**

Akira manoeuvred the car through the considerable traffic with long practiced ease even though the heavier rain now made seeing what was far ahead quite difficult. He still felt faintly melodramatic about acting on this strange foreboding feeling that wouldn't leave him but the sense of urgency running through him felt stronger than the faint foolishness of a few minutes ago. The inside of the car still carried that strange scent he'd become aware of while reading and grew stronger with every passing moment. His inner subconscious still played with that little mystery of how his car came to smell of violets even as his upper mind tended to the task of driving safely in the pouring rain.

Suddenly his attention was galvanised by what was ahead. _Oh no_, he thought, _young master, Kuran-sama! What are you doing there?_ As his eyes registered Kaname's presence some distance ahead, it also became clear that his employer appeared to be in an agitated state judging by the way he was swaying on his feet and holding his hands to his head. _Oh no, Kuran-sama, no, no..!_ he thought, as he realised that it looked like Kaname was getting ready to launch himself into the triple lanes of traffic. Akira's hand found the horn button and pressed it repeatedly and just as he despaired of finding a gap to thread the vehicle through, miraculously an opening appeared that allowed him passage. The cars around him just seemed to melt out of the way as his focus intensified on the figure ahead. He surged forward, covering the last hundred metres with newfound ease and jammed down hard on the brakes just as Kaname stepped out.

The heavy car had barely come to a jarring halt when Akira threw the door open and stumbled out, slipping a little on the slick oily surface of the sodden road. He reached his master just as Kaname crumpled against the front fender of the car and slid down in an undignified heap on the wet road.

"Oh gods! Oh gods! Kaname-sama!" In his highly flustered state, Akira forgot himself, forgot their master-servant relationship as anguished fear and agitation for the young man flooded his mind.

Panic quavered in the senior man's voice as he scooped Kaname awkwardly into his old man's arms made suddenly strong by the unbelievable scene before his eyes; desperately searching the younger man's face for signs that the worst had not happened. Cars came to a halt all round him, drivers emerging and gathering in an untidy circle around the two men. Akira barely heard the curious enquiries of the small group that was growing in size around him as he continued to hold his master, worriedly scanning the pale face and closed eyes for some signs of life.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~

Unnoticed from his vantage point behind Akira, Zero looked on as his anxiety levels soared. Intense emotion cascaded like a runaway waterfall through him at seeing the stilled form of Kaname lying on the wet road. Every part of his being flickered and sparked as he longed to go over there, longed to take Kaname out of Akira's arms and feel for himself that the true and steady heartbeat of the other was there still.

He seethed with frustration as he found he could do nothing at all, that he was just able to maintain his status quo as an onlooker and only with great difficulty. This transitional state he found himself in allowed him no such freedoms as rushing to Kaname's aid. He was neither wholly still a heavenly being nor was he fully corporeal either; all he could do was hover on the edge of the two different worlds.

The Goddess had gently explained to him that it would take time to take on the attributes of those below, that stepping out of the celestial plane would not be easy or swift. Her soft tones had helped sooth his impatience while she had delicately threaded her slender fingers through his silken hair as she revealed the mysteries involved in leaving behind his old life; that stately, ordered existence of hundreds of years was not something to swept aside in a moment.

He would remain angelic but subtly altered, not quite as ethereal as he was now; he would still be as radiantly beautiful as always but he would become truly flesh and blood, capable of holding and being held, giving and accepting love with body as well as soul. His sensitive, compassionate mind would be unchanged and the essential core of his divine nature would be the same. Zero's noble attributes would stay with him always, he was incapable of being sullied by any of the baser human vices but his physical being would be forever altered.

Zero would never be able to return to his prior state and his link with the Goddess would be in its purest form only, her sweet love for him would pour into his soul as always but never again would he see her face to face. They were both aware of this final sacrifice being absolute when his body had finished changing and while it saddened them both greatly, each felt the joy of knowing it was the only way forward for Zero and his ultimate happiness.

All Zero had been able to achieve in crossing that great divide so far was to be able to douse those nearby witha perfumed, gossamer cloudburst of his fragrant signature aura but even then to only one chosen person at a time. Zero was able to flood the atmosphere with his sweet violet scent, alerting the person whose attention he needed to capture. Thus having engaged their subliminal minds he then concentrated and pushed out with his thoughts and desires, imbuing that person with a sense of urgency, wellbeing or whichever emotion that needed acting on.

Unfortunately, Zero was only be able to remain in the worldly plane for only minutes at a time, the process of transformation too exhausting to sustain him in and amongst people for longer than that. When his limit was reached, his mind would gently shut down, suspended in a soft sleep of rejuvenation while his body gathered strength for the final step ahead. Zero did not need an actual bed or abode to sleep as yet, his essential spiritual self, still able to fully retreat to the ethereal void in the celestial plane above. Physically he was not yet visible to those around him, including Kaname and only time would allow that miracle to occur. It required patience and devotion on Zero's part and he felt that patience was something he had in short supply; feeling helpless was something he was learning to deal with as he kept his thoughts firmly fixed on the end goal.

Now, his attention was wholly and desperately on Kaname, the intensity of his feelings like a searchlight focused only one face; the bond that already anchored Kaname to Zero's heart thrumming in agitation as the all too familiar clouding of his mind began. Zero raged inwardly with vexation as he cursed at being held back by his in-between status; he felt like a fly trapped in amber, able to see where he wanted to go but helpless for the moment to act.

_Please…be strong Kaname. Don't give up…I am coming to you as fast as I can. Don't…give…up_.

Zero watched agitatedly as Akira helped the now semi-dazed Kaname stagger to his feet and shepherded him with difficulty into the safe-haven that was the backseat of the warm car. Akira fussed a little trying to sit Kaname up properly and gave up only when his young master was finally seated aslant with his head lolled back against the high back of the seat. The elderly chauffeur though visibly distraught, managed to gather his wits enough to clamber into the driver's seat and move the car off, thoughts of shielding the broken young man from an ever more curious crowd uppermost in his thinking.

Zero's face was puckered with consternation as his tear-blurred gaze lingered on that pale, beautiful, rain-streaked face as oblivion relentlessly beckoned.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~

Kaname coughed, wincing as pain shot through his head then blearily opened his eyes, totally disoriented as he struggled to sit up. He lifted his hand to his forehead and winced as he encountered a painful raised patch along his temple; his knee ached too though he could not remember having fallen. As his blurry vision cleared, his brain dimly registered the fact that he was lying on a bed, looking at a little vase of violets just as their sweet scent teased his nose. Confusion reigned in his mind…violets? Bed? Where were his notes…where was the chairman? Surely the wallpaper was all wrong…what…where?

He groaned lightly as he slumped back onto the pillow, taking deep breaths as his mind slowly came to terms with his surroundings.

"Thank the gods! Kaname-sama you're all right. Oh I was so worried…_son_!"

In his relief at seeing Kaname's eyes finally flutter open Akira once again didn't notice the faux pas he was committing by using the informal version of Kaname's name. Akira and Aiko had come to love Kaname as the substitute for the actual son they'd never been blessed with, so in moments of stress Akira naturally fell into reacting much as a father would, not as a servant albeit a very much-valued one.

Kaname's head snapped round to look at the source of the sound, his stomach churning momentarily with the giddiness the rapid movement engendered. He found himself gazing into Akira's worried brown eyes, the latter coming over to the bed from the short distance away where he had been pacing to and fro.

"What happened, Akira? Why are you here in my room? Why…what…I had to…do something…" Kaname spoke haltingly while he gingerly struggled to sit up again, wincing a little as his bumps and bruises made their presence felt across his back, knees and head.

"Why Kuran-sama, you had an accident. Yes, an accident." Akira nodded his head firmly as he spoke; he wouldn't allow himself to think anything else. His master had the misfortune to end up in the middle of the road through no fault of his own; no other reason was acceptable to the loyal retainer.

"I helped you up to your room sir, I thought you would prefer to be out of the public gaze." Akira twisted his peaked chauffeur's cap anxiously between his gnarled fingers.

"Please Kuran-sama, won't you reconsider seeing the doctor? It would be much better for you, sir, and I would have my mind set at ease that all was well."

Akira felt that he had let his young master down, he felt responsible somehow for not coming earlier and of course the fact that the front bumper of the car had connected with Kaname, however slightly, weighed heavily on his mind. He continued to put forward his case for Kaname seeking medical attention but was coming to realise his pleas were falling on deaf ears.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

That had been hours ago. Kaname had finally managed to calm Akira enough to send him home still protesting and entirely reluctant to leave his young charge. Akira's desire to convince him to seek medical help was understandable, he'd even pleaded that Kaname come home with him and be tended to by Aiko but the young man was having none of it and had managed to fend off this suggestion along with all others.

Kaname's head throbbed and his sense of agitation threatened to blot out all rational thought. It was only his innate good manners where his loyal chauffeur was concerned, that had stopped him from snapping completely and speaking harshly to the old man. Finally, he'd succeeded in closing the door on him and regaining some focus to his thoughts.

Kaname now sat in the corner of the room on the soft-carpeted floor, awkwardly slumped in an untidy sprawl as he dispassionately surveyed the wreckage around him.

All the linen was torn off the bed and lay in an untidy heap at the foot of it; pillows were scattered like autumn leaves on a blustery day and the mattress was shoved across the bed's base threatening to slide right off. Dresser drawers were all pulled out to various degrees and the wardrobe doors were flung open with one sagging on its hinges as if some wild whirlwind had blown through the normally placid atmosphere of the plush hotel room.

The magazine rack was upended and the unread shiny, glossy pages of the hotel 'courtesy' magazines lay forlornly dog-eared and scattered. His overnight case lay amongst them, his few items of clothing scattered like confetti at some strange feral wedding. Kaname's leather toiletries bag lay squashed against the base of the bathroom door, his expensive razor and shave balm strewn around it as if by a petulant child. The table where he'd moodily contemplated his breakfast earlier was pulled out of kilter, as was one of the matching pair of armchairs; the whole room looked like a disaster zone.

He knew that he'd been looking for something but what that something was eluded him now in the alcoholic fog shrouding his mind. It would come back to him, he mused offhandedly. Right now another glass of wine, preferably three, held the foremost place in the order of things that were important to him.

Kaname lifted the crystal wine glass to his lips and sipped, surprised when there was nothing coming forth. He peered owlishly at the glass and upended it and sighed, picking up the bottle of Beaujolais and tipped the remaining mouthful of wine into his glass. He carelessly set the emptied bottle down beside him and was bewildered to hear a loud clink; looking down he saw there were already two bottles lying there, abandoned on their sides, ruby drops scattered like blood stains on the pale carpet. He frowned as he tried to recall how they got there and was met with mostly a blank. He assumed he must have been responsible for it, some tiny little sliver still functioning in his brain with a slender grasp on things telling him, _who else could it have been?_ Kaname drained the last dregs of the fruity red wine from his glass and added the empty fluted crystal to the discarded bottles, this time with exaggerated care. He then leaned back against the cold, hard wall drawing his knees up, resting his hands on his knees and closing his eyes with a drawn out weary sigh.

_You know that feather is the source of all your troubles, don't you? That feather, that silly little feather that you were so all fired up to find…now look at this room…look at your life. There wasn't anything wrong at all with your life until that little piece of fluff appeared, was there? It was all a measured, ordered round of meetings and flights and schedules and paperwork, you knew where you were, didn't you? And where you were going too._

The insidious little imps frolicked and pranced, pricking Kaname's tired brain with minuscule but painful jolts of self-pity, self-loathing and doubt. He pulled his knees up tighter to his chest and withdrew into himself, trying to blot out those voices. His shirt and trousers were still damp from his earlier soaking and his meagre body heat hadn't done much to dispel the cold clamminess from his skin. Kaname's teeth ground together and he shook with a combination of cold and emotional overload, his slender fingers coming up and sliding into his hair, pressing down hard onto his head; anything to dispel those morbid thoughts and find relief from the taunting of his own soul. But it was to no avail.

_Not much good for anything any more are you, Mr Big Shot businessman? Couldn't even get through a simple meeting, should have been child's play for you, isn't that right? You used to have people like that for lunch, eat them alive and look at you now. It would be laughable if it weren't so pathetic; go on, run to your next drink, embrace your next bottle, it's the only friend you're likely to find._

Kaname scrambled to his feet, his heart hammering in his chest and his head throbbing painfully, his ribs and the sinews in his knees cracking and creaking from his earlier injuries. Lurching uncertainly across the room, tripping a little over the accumulated debris in his way, he grasped the tiny handle on the bar fridge and threw it open impatiently. He peered into the cold little cubicle rummaging through the assorted cellophane bags of jerky, pretzels and other unwanted obstacles, tears of self pity coming to cling to his lashes as he realised that there were no more bottles of any kind of comfort to be found in there. Sinking disjointedly down to his haunches he looked again, panic rising as he scattered packages and ice cubes with abandon until the hitherto friendly little appliance was empty. The door gaped open and the frigid air spilled out around him, the unkind white light of the tiny bulb painting his face with cadaverous shadows. Disbelief washed over him and he hunkered down despondently for a moment before staggering to his feet and staring blankly about him, stupefied for a minute or two before a flicker of rage roared in to fill the previously numbed void.

_Damn it all to hell and back again!_ _I can't have drunk all that in that short time. Gods, I really have lost the plot. A feather, a stupid little feather! What the hell was I thinking? Can't do anything right any more, can't even finish it all properly without an old man rescuing me. Akira has fifty years on me yet he is the one who has the world at his fingertips; a job that he loves, a wife he adores, Gods; he even likes driving for me. For me! If he only knew what a pitiful sham he had there with him in the car; that respect would soon drain away from his eyes and rightly so._

_Sham..._

_Fake…_

_Fraud_…

With each hateful word Kaname, fighting back sobs, violently shoved the back of the armchair where he'd had breakfast in what felt like another lifetime earlier. The sturdy velvet-clad chair rocked with each emphatic utterance and push until finally it was too much, it rocked past the point of no return and toppled over with a muffled thump onto its side.

At first Kaname's black thoughts continued to reverberate in his head and he noticed nothing except his despair through tear-laden lashes. He continued to smack the back of the fallen chair with his fist even as his mood flickered and changed and each movement grew slower and more half-hearted. Slumping down slowly he sank onto the side of the upended armchair, not caring if his weight broke the chair by sitting on it in a way that was never intended by the manufacturer; perching precariously while weariness set in as the adrenalin-fuelled high petered out, leaving him exhausted.

He blinked and scrubbed his fingers shakily across his eyes, blinking again, his focus on the floor in front of him for a moment or two as he decided the world was better from behind closed lids. Kaname's eyes remained screwed tightly shut while he just sat; slumped, numbed and spent.

As his torturous breathing slowed and as his frayed nerves steadied a little more, he became aware of a subtle little waft of fragrance dancing past his nose. Kaname lifted his head and reluctantly opened his eyes. There was nothing to be seen immediately as he scanned the room from side to side but the gentle aroma of flowers increased as he drew in deeper breaths in an effort to further calm the now ebbing nerve-storm in his head.

He recognized the delicate scent as violets and his first thought was to glance over to the nightstand next to the ruins of his bed. The intricate little silver vase was knocked to the floor and the pretty little blooms crushed to a pale purple pulp. A flash of chagrin swept through him as a pink blush of shame began to burn on his cheeks as he took in the havoc around him. _Poor little flowers_, he thought and then shook his head at the strange musings suddenly in his mind. An odd little chain of images began to play itself through his thoughts, of tears and anxious violet-hued eyes as the perfumed air around him deepened and thickened until finally a cloud of scent surrounded Kaname. With every breath a peculiar sense of missing something, something vital, became ever more urgent.

Kaname felt a push against his shoulder, a definite purposeful touch. He looked about him with slight bewilderment, knowing full well he was alone in that shambles of a room. Again it came and he still looked about him not expecting to see anyone but unable to stop himself from doing so. The air around him had become so highly scented Kaname felt giddy with it and was beginning to cough a little. While he was distracted with thoughts of clearing his ticklish throat a final push caught him unawares and he toppled backwards over the chair's arm, where he had been so uncomfortably seated. He landed sprawled on the floor next to the chair, totally confused as to whether this was really happening or was it some horrible hallucination as a result of his intoxicated state.

Having been unceremoniously dumped on his back by his totally inelegant slither off the abused piece of furniture, he was temporarily winded and lay there on the carpeted floor for a moment or two, unsure of this latest turn of events. Waves of nausea ran through him and for one horrible moment he was sure he was about to suffer the ignominy of throwing up. He struggled feebly for both breath and control of his roiling innards.

Feeling slightly panicked with his body seemingly acting without the benefit of his brain telling him what to do, he scrambled to upright himself again. As he did so his fingers scrabbling for purchase on the thick carpeting encountered something softer still. Kaname rolled himself to rest on his elbow and cautiously opened his fingers even as his mind already proclaimed what he would see, the memory of that downy feeling screaming to the forefront of his thoughts.

There it lay on his trembling palm. It was the long lost feather…that problematic, maligned, wonderful, adored, blissful feather. Most of all, it was _his_ feather. Kaname couldn't believe his eyes as he stared at it. He then clutched it to his chest and immediately felt the faint warm waves of comfort it offered begin to seep through his weary body. He lay there**, **half up and half down, eyes closed as if in supplication and the horrid Medusa-like tangle of ugly thoughts that swamped his brain stilled, quieted, as that darkest of places within him felt a fragile ray of light begin to penetrate the blackness.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

Zero stood by the bed gently wafting soft breezes with tiny serene movements of his fragrant wings, over the sleeping figure that lay there tangled up in the disorderly linen. Only a fine silken lock of hair was visible over the pulled up blanket, its fine rosewood shimmer a marked contrast against the pearly grey of the cashmere coverlet. He listened contentedly to the measured cadence of Kaname's slow and steady breathing, as he calmly slept, so different from the wild eyed creature of not long before.

Zero knew he would have to sleep himself and soon. He felt the first stirrings of the gentle clouding of his senses calling to him and he summoned up a last burst of energy before oblivion claimed him again. Concentrating with all his might on the one thing he wanted to do most just this minute, he materialised long enough to bend over Kaname and place the softest of kisses against that small, barely visible satin smooth lock of hair; the scent of it sending a ripple of longing through him. The pale light of the dimmed bedside lamp caught him in that moment as his perfect white wings arched over Kaname like some lovely living bell-like canopy, his silver hair shimmering in the muted light.

Zero's eyes filled with moisture as he realised how tenuous was the will that anchored Kaname to his unhappy existence. His heart clenched with the knowledge of just how close he'd been this afternoon to losing what he'd just so miraculously begun to cherish. Zero gathered the last of his strength to send a wave of comfort through the exhausted sleeping man before him.

_Soon Kaname, soon I will come to you. Sleep, heal and recover. Know that I watch over you._

Zero lingered a few seconds more, unwilling to tear himself away but he felt the now urgent ebbing of his strength and raising his hand in a gesture of benediction, was then gone in less than an instant. An argent shower of sparks was momentarily suspended where his radiant presence had been but a moment before. Kaname stirred a little, his eyes opening briefly to register nothing at all bar a faint silvery luminescence in the air before rolling over and sighing deeply. He settled straight back to sleep, his mind now calm and serene. His fingers tightened reflexively around the soft downy scrap held worshipfully in his grasp as he dreamed on, the faintest glimmer of a smile on his beautiful pale face.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

**Next, Ch. 7**_**: Dark Journey of the Soul.**_


	7. Dark Journey of the Soul

So we meet again to see where life-changing journeys are taking Zero and Kaname, perhaps the merging point of two lonely roads is in sight or perhaps still tantalisingly just out of reach; time will tell.

Thanks are due once more and in no small measure to my dear Beta – **Yengirl**. I have made Zero a trifle more OOC than usual as he faces the very near end of all he holds dear to embrace the new world that waits. Pink-blushed sentiment spilled syrupy-thick and sugar-crusted from my keyboard and **Yengirl** sagely advised that too many sweets are perhaps not good for anyone; a drop of vinegar to lighten the mix would benefit all. I thank you again for saving me from my own excesses!

Now, if you will – read on….

Chapter 7: **Dark Journey of the Soul**.

The soft night air was filled with delicate intermittent chirpings of little black crickets, shiny as liquorice drops scattered throughout the verdant shrubbery; the mossy stone fountain's gentle burble of water a melodious counterpoint to the little tinny notes of the hidden insects. Somewhere in the far, far distance the faint liquid trill of the wandering peafowl sounded, adding a third layer to the evening song of the quiet garden. Most of the sleepy bird life had long since retired for the night save for the ever amorous peacock in search of his pair of drab little hens; playing a stately game of hide-and-seek amongst the tender furled fern fronds edging the borders of the manicured flowerbeds like lace on a velvet green gown.

The Goddess stood on the edge of the wide flag-stoned terrace illuminated by the soft backwash of light from the multitude of candle-lit lanterns hanging there; the wrought-iron fretwork allowing the light through in dainty mosaic patterns, softening the stonework's harsh edges. She scanned the grounds ahead of her, patiently searching for that pretty satin flash of silver that was dearest to her motherly heart.

Having found that which she sought, she smiled and gathered up her gossamer cloth-of-gold shawl sweeping it up over her shoulders making a pretty nimbus around her head. As she headed down the stone pathway she paused by the army of roses whose luxuriant, heavy heads were trembling in the little occasional flickers of the teasing night breeze, plucking the largest velvet hearted bloom there and continuing on to the white painted pergola where sat the object of her maternal affections.

"A silver coin for your thoughts, my dear son. You look so pensive and contemplative though I must say moonlight becomes you very well."

Her face softened with tenderness and concern as she sank down onto the tasselled red cushion atop the chilly marble bench next to Zero, who looked up at the sound of her serene voice. A soft small smile brightened his face a little, momentarily, her presence a welcome diversion from the chain of thoughts that was busily chasing its tail in his head.

He reached for the velveteen plush-petalled rose that she held out to him and brushed it across his lips almost absentmindedly, taking in the faint spicy scent with unconscious pleasure. The Goddess was so firmly linked with the scent of roses in his mind. Over the eons she'd planted many, many a sumptuous rose garden, it was something she had always done for her own pleasure; the gnarled, trusty old gardener always left them for his celestial mistress, humbler daisies and common but cheery daffodils were his domain.

Yes, Zero thought, the relationship his mother had with all living things was something truly special, truly remarkable. He remembered being a young child, hundreds of years ago, toddling in her wake as she strolled along the manicured stone pathways, the touch of her slim white fingers causing the tightly furled buds to burst forth into bloom. Zero had followed, totally enchanted while the delicate little plants fringing the pathway sent forth extra shoots at the mere touch of the hem of her velvet gown. She was a giver of life, a giver of love; all that passed by, be they the most insignificant plant, humble animal or fellow celestial being, felt better for the grace-filled benediction of her passing.

"I do not think my thoughts are worth such as a silver coin, dear Mother."

He paused; his deep lilac eyes haunted and strained looking. Swallowing several times he continued in halting tones, "he suffers, aches and burns in the agonizing flames of self destruction and I," Zero uttered a small sound that was part self-deprecating laugh, half strangled sob, "and I just watch, a mere player on the side lines. I should be able to sweep him up and take him away from that grinding downward spiral. I should be able to shoulder his burden, ease his heart and lighten his spirit. Instead all I can manage is this vague presence, this _puny_ little appearance that lasts a few minutes."

"I need to, want to bring him salvation, inner strength and a renewal of faith in his self," he fumed between gritted teeth, " and what am I capable of? _Billows of useless scent and a feeble little push!"_

The fires that had blazed up in Zero's soul left him. That outburst culminated in a dejected sigh, a touch of bitterness in his voice. His wings slumped, the feathers loose and slack, as downcast and as dispirited as his beautiful, frustrated face in the thin silvery moonlight. He turned his blank-eyed gaze to the slender-stemmed flower in his hands; his smooth, soft fingers fretfully teasing petals off the heart of the half blown rose, as unthinkingly as an automaton. Scattered ragged petals lay on the sandstone, like drops of heart's blood around his feet drifting a little as the petulant zephyr of a breeze continued fitfully around them. Zero continued rotating the waxen, green, thornless stem as his fingertips tirelessly worried at a new petal to twist, turn and discard. Throwing aside the now finally bare stem he turned to face her with now agonized eyes, clutching at her white, be-ringed hand.

"_Kaname will die before I can save him. I know he will!"_

~0~0~0~0~0~

The board had been ruthless.

There had been much nervous bowing, psuedo-placatory language, careful flowery phrases with averted eyes overlaid with a veneer of politeness but in the end they were ruthless; respected owner of the company, Kuran-sama had better shape up or ship out is what it all boiled down to.

Some whisper, some faint echo from an unknown source had reached the ears of a few, revealing that behind that the seemingly impassive front Kaname showed the world was - perhaps not feet of clay like lesser mortals but a disquieting clink of bottles that threatened to become an out of control symphony of crystal glass shards. Those who had secretly hungered for blood smiled thinly, scenting a kill and pressed home their slim advantage while the rare opportunity existed.

Katashi-san had been respectful and let Kaname know that he, Katashi, had not been on the side of the ones that bayed for blood. This sanction resulting from Kaname's spur of the moment abandonment of the boardroom at that most crucial of moments could not be avoided, it had cost them all dearly. There had been financial losses in the region of tens of thousands of millions of yen and not only that, a tremendous loss of trust, faith and face which although possible to rebuild over time, would also prove a tedious, backbreaking business. And best achieved with a lucid, sober Kaname at the helm. The above hard choices had been pondered, discussed and decided without their illustrious leader's input.

Kaname had sat there, ashen faced and sick at heart through the 'death by a thousand cuts' throughout the horrible stiff politeness of the whole appalling meeting. It was of course just a formality, slickly glossed with a veneer of civility, a wafer-thin layer of deference that fooled no one; not the board members and certainly not Kaname himself.

Katashi-san, his right hand man for the whole time Kaname had been at the helm of the company, sent mute waves of sympathy in the direction of his beleaguered young boss. In a way, that only made it worse for Kaname, he burned with shame as he felt the palpable waves of anguished sympathy the ever-loyal Katashi telegraphed him silently.

_Yessss_, sneered his inner tormenting imps, _oh how the mighty are fallen! You of all people, the strong, the resilient, the untouchable Kuran-sama that all see before them. But you know better don't you? You know how thin is the façade, how tenuous is the grip on your pathetic reality, don't you? Even now as they tongue-lash you, even now as they lay bare your inadequacies, even now as the bottom of the abyss beckons more strongly than it has ever done before, you are still sitting there wishing for a glass in your hand, aren't you?_

Kaname swallowed reflexively, his tongue sticking dryly to the top of his parched mouth, acknowledging that yes indeed, a glass or preferably a bottle would ease his discomfort. He swallowed again as he thought of the comfort of some liquid oblivion, something, anything to blot out the pain and humiliation that were being heaped upon him. Kaname shifted minutely in his seat as he struggled to stay upright, to hang onto the acid contents of his stomach as the painfully polite tirade continued. He would not allow the ultimate humiliation to be displayed before his judge and jury, so he gritted his teeth and searched for the very last shreds of the man he used to be.

Gathering the scant, pathetic remaining tatters of his once-proud dignity about him, he straightened up as much as he could and prayed to the gods to let him just endure to the end of this horror, prayed that the visions of those soothing libations of red, red wine would just go away. As the rain of fire continued on his head, the tiniest of sparks ignited in the blackness and the first tenuous thought of redemption quavered and quivered uneasily into life in his tired brain.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

"Zero, Zero where are you? Yuuki can't find you. Tell Yuuki where you are, please."

The high, piping notes of a little girl's voice fluted bell-like through the air.

Zero looked up from his seat where he still sat with the ruins of the rose petals around him. Craning around, he saw the top of a bronze head of curls bobbing along just barely visible over the medium-low clipped box hedges, lining the pathway not far from where he sat. A slow smile gathered momentum and flooded his face, as his eyes grew happily expectant. He sat up a little straighter and braced himself, knowing what was going to come bursting at him around the corner in just a moment or two.

"Here I am, sweet Yuuki, just over here in the pergola. Look over and see me waving to you."

With that he lifted one hand over his head and stretched out his fingers, moving them so they would catch her eye. The glossy green hedge rustled and creaked and parted. A pair of bright brown eyes solemnly regarded him for a moment and then the edges of the verdant shrubbery came back together with a whoosh and the sounds of little, softly shod, pattering feet running towards him made them selves heard.

"My Zero, my Zero!"

A flying blur of soft silken skirts and bobbing curls hurled itself into his arms, driving him back hard against the seat he was ensconced in. Kisses pattered down onto his cheeks like soft summer rain and small plump arms tightened around his neck, incoherent little cries emanating continuously with the pretty onslaught.

"Whoa, wait a minute there, my little beauty. I need to breathe!" Zero exclaimed amidst a breathless laugh. He reached up and unclasped her chubby little fists from the back of his neck and perched her astraddle on his lap, tucking her many colourful layers of silk and satin in under her little legs. Zero brushed back a particularly wayward curl from her flushed brow and saw her normally sunny expression had been replaced by something quite worried instead. He smoothed the rest of her hair with a loving, gentle hand as she continued to babble incoherently.

"Now, little blossom, what seems to be the trouble?" Zero queried gently. A small, fond smile graced his beautiful face as he looked searchingly into her warm coppery-brown eyes, sparkling with unshed tears.

The little girl sat on his lap, all curls and dimples and soft, plump, babyish curves. Her fine, autumnal-toned hair floated seemingly with a life of its own, burnished ringlets framing her angelic face. Her warm little hands were clasped to her chest, her small, pink fingers fiddling restlessly with a short string of creamy, lustrous, seed pearls around her neck; her six, rainbow layers of jewel-bright satin kimonos showing a narrow edge of each colour at her neckline. A fine, golden sash delicately embroidered with tiny green sprigs of lily-of-the-valley was tied around her rounded toddler's tummy and what could be seen of her feet revealed soft black leather ballet-style slippers. Her back view revealed a pair of miniscule feathery wings, no larger than the palm of Zero's hand, each baby winglet barely more than a bunch of soft downiness, as pearly pink as the inside of a seashell, as fragile as a wisp of cloud.

She was his eternal delight, his most precious joy, his baby sister named both Yuuki for the crisp, snowy, sparkling winter season that the Goddess had spent yearning for a child and Hanako, for the season of plenty that she had been born in.

The silken, silvery threads of longing had wound themselves through the Goddess' psyche leaving her gently wistful as she remembered the soft comfort of a newborn baby at her breast. It had been hundreds of years since the birth of her beloved Zero and as she sat at her favourite picture window looking down into the misty, snowy valley below, the all-benevolent higher powers had seen fit to answer her fervent prayers with the gift of a beautiful, baby girl with soft toffee-brown hair, and a clear eyed gaze that enchanted all those that came her way.

Her second name meant 'child of the flowers' and never was a name more suited to a child. She was born to the Goddess in the height of summer, in a time of abundance and golden sunlight, when the flower garden ran riot with carmine red roses, fragrant drooping wisteria and countless cascades of colourful little blossoms spilling from every corner of that endless vista of greenery.

Zero had spent many a long, lazy afternoon lying on a soft quilted blanket, his chin propped in his hands as he lay on his belly, wings fluttering periodically to charge the balmy, summer air with violet scent and gazed in wonder at the pretty baby carefully left in his charge. His favourite place to take her had been the slightly sheltered stonewalled courtyard near the tinkling marble fountain. Little Yuuki lay on the padded, sky-blue silken comforter all dimpled knees and elbows, all coos and soft burbling delight, her eyes looking up into the dappled shade of the ancient cherry tree that bloomed with its fragrant burden of fragile pink and white blossoms year round under the aegis of the Goddess' touch.

Yuuki's wondering, wide-eyed infant gaze would take in the swaying leafy branches above her, oft times distracted by a passing butterfly, little hands reaching for the jewelled insect with unwieldy eagerness. Snowy showers of perfumed petals fell on her as gentle breezes cooled the rising warmth of the afternoon; her bell-like baby laugh pealing out like a tiny, tinkling, wind-chime through the warm garden air as a stray blossom landed on her button nose. Then she would slowly turn her cherubic face in his direction and fix her dreamy gaze on Zero and he was lost.

Utterly lost in adoration as those limpid, large topaz-brown eyes scanned his face, sweetly solemn and filled with the hidden mysteries of the ages, beautiful eyes that looked deep down into his soul and filled it with hope, light, warmth and a deep-seated belief that all was right with the world. Her velvet-soft fingers would reach up and stroke his pale cheek and that same burst of well-being that emanated from his mother's touch would well up through him at the gentle caress of his little sister's hand.

And here she was, his dainty little darling, decades old in the numberings of humanity but a mere babe-in-arms here in the reckoning of the celestial realm. She looked at him with those beloved eyes welling over with sparkling tears, her cheeks pink with emotion, and her tender lower lip slightly atremble, her tiny brow knit with the burden in her loving child's heart. Zero cupped her chin in his hand and leaned forward and pressed a loving, brotherly kiss to her forehead, then looked back into her face and asked gently, "What is it that troubles you, my pretty snow flower? Tell me and I will kiss it all better for you."

"Zero, oh Zero," she quavered in her soft childish voice, "Mother says you are going away and that me, that me…Yuu…Yuuki… has to be a big, brave girl and help you g-g-go with a happy heart. Yuuki doesn't want you to go! Yuuki needs you here… home with Mother… home…. with… Zero no, no! "

With that she slumped forward onto his chest, her baby sobs heaving against his heart, crying and hiccuping and totally abandoning herself to her searing grief at the impending loss she had only minutes before found out would occur. Zero's heart almost broke in two as he patted and shushed and comforted her, rocking his precious bundle to and fro as he crooned. He knew that when the final break became irreversible and he would be no longer be able to return to his home, his mother, the Goddess would lay her slim, pale, hands on her dear little daughter's head and release that special healing balm that would salve her baby's tender heart; soothe her distressed mind, allowing Yuuki to remember him without the pain she was feeling now.

But right now this minute it was cold comfort. Zero felt the responsibilities weigh heavily on his shoulders that he was the cause of all Yuuki's sadness right here and now. He carefully eased her away from his chest a little and tilted her sweet chin up slightly to look into her tear-streaked little face.

"Yuuki, listen to me now. Yes, I am going away sometime soon but it is not for a quite a while just yet." Yuuki hiccupped a few times and watched him intently; her woebegone heart-shaped dainty face all wet along her flushed chubby cheeks. Zero carefully swiped the soft pad of his thumb under her eyes collecting the moisture there, soothing her delicate skin with his gentle ministrations. He paused and brought the gathered tears to his lips and drank them in, the little salty drops a benediction on his tongue.

The little child had calmed somewhat under his rhythmic patting and she now sat, a little frown of concentration creasing her pretty pale brow so beautifully framed by that spun-toffee hair. Zero continued in his carefully measured tones, fluttering his wings a little to release his aromatic scent that so calmed her and stroked those burnished curls as he spoke.

"Yuuki, you have always been my little delight, my baby sister and that is not going to change now. Things will be different I grant you, but I will love you the same way that I always have. Do you understand, little blossom?" She nodded, her heart shaped face pale, all big, sparkling, tear-filled eyes and Zero's heart clenched with a sweet surge of brotherly devotion yet again.

"I will be with you still, it just won't be here in the garden or here in the palace with you. It will be here," he paused and touched her temple with his fingertips, "and here most of all." Zero touched his fingertips this time to the top edge of her golden sash where it was swathed high on her tummy, just under her heart, lingering there a moment as he searched for words she would understand.

"I am going to be with someone who needs me more than you do, try to understand, my pretty blossom. I am going to a place where my heart is calling me to go, a place that is just right for me." He paused again as Yuuki settled against him once more, cradled against his chest; her soft baby cheek pressed over his heart. Its steady beat was both a comfort and a lullaby for the sad little child. She sought the comfort too of her thumb, sliding it into her little pink mouth, sucking it gently as she continued to listen to one of the two voices she loved best in her whole universe.

"Yuuki, dearest, when you are sad and when you miss me the most, go to the terrace with Mother. Sit with her on your favourite bench, the one with the red velvet pillows that faces the western sky, the place where you and I have sat together, on so many warm summer nights, watching the silvery moon hold court over the stars in the heavens." The toddler hiccupped several times and settled herself even closer to him, her little chubby arm sliding around his back and her small fingers gripping tight on to the fine silk of his shirt.

The child's body warmth penetrated through to his chest and Zero felt his own measure of comfort with her beloved and familiar weight on his lap, her slowing breathing soothing him in return as he cleared his throat for a moment, pausing to regain his own equilibrium which threatened to depart in a cascade of heartache at any moment. Zero's large, fine-boned hand rubbed slow circles over her tiny, soft winglets, a slow cadence that matched the beating of their hearts, bringing them both a sense of peace. Yuuki carried within those barely plumaged, fluffy tufts her own signature scent and as he rubbed, he thought once again, as he had so often before, that his sweet little sister smelled just like a fuzzy, warm, ripe peach basking in the late, lazy, golden summer sun.

"Look to the silvery beams of the moon, my pretty baby," he whispered gently pausing to kiss the top of her silken hair. "Remember how the moon holds a special meaning for me? How the moon's soft, lambent light is reflected back in my hair?"

The little girl nodded slowly, her eyelids beginning to droop what with the physical closeness of her much loved brother's arms and the comforting familiarity of her own little thumb.

"Remember me telling you when I was born Mother held me up in the moonlight and asked that the blessings of the moon spirit always guide and protect me where ever my life would lead me? Well then, look to the same moon and know that I will be seeing it too and thinking of my little sister; know that you will never be without my love as long as you live, that my spirit will continue to love you forever more, my dear, dear sister, my Yuuki."

Zero crushed her to his chest, inhaling her scent, imprinting her on his mind as deeply as he could, pressing more soft, warm kisses to the top of her head. He knew she had fallen asleep but he kept speaking just for the comfort of hearing the words himself, trying to ease his own soaring ache at the impending loss. The pain of leaving his home, his revered and beloved mother and most of all, the dear little ray of sunshine that was his little sister, was gathered up within him like a glittering ball of frost; its razor-sharp shards threatening to cut his heart to ribbons. But underneath all that, if Zero looked deeply and carefully into his own inner spirit he knew that where he was going was not just where he was needed, it was where he utterly longed to be. The thought of Kaname drew him strongly, pulled at his yearning heart ever more urgently and the knowledge that that one person needed him more than anyone else at all sustained Zero in this most difficult time ever in his whole long, long life.

He continued to sit for quite a time longer, rocking, crooning and cradling the sweet little girl as the scent of the garden gently wafted around them, the aromatic air adding its own sense of calm to the surroundings. After a while, he shrugged and allowed his own wings to come forward and make another layer around the sleeping child as he sat and reflected over the fact that nothing of great worth was given without something of equal worth being sacrificed. It was part of the universal give and take of life, that the immense scales of existence rocked up and down, demanding that balance be achieved by whatever means was needed.

Zero knew that his heart wanted, needed and desired that his life be spent with Kaname, it drew him with an undeniable force and while it pained him now to think of leaving the two dearest ones in his life up until now, he knew that he needed his own fulfilment too. The life-bond of everlasting union his heart had searched for, yearned for and ached for had been made; an unstoppable burgeoning joy waited beneath all the frustrations, tribulations and heartaches and Zero resolutely turned his thoughts to the coming times ahead. Nothing worth having was either easily gained or swiftly achieved and he knew that both he and Kaname had many a heartache to surmount yet before the vale of tears was left behind for good.

~0~0~0~0~0~

Kaname felt like death.

His hands and head shook with fine ague as he sat in a deeply padded armchair in front of a large-paned picture window. It looked out onto smooth velvet turf that stretched out like an emerald carpet way off into the distance, culminating in a long stately hedge, clipped into soothing curves of glossy green leaves. His pain-blurred vision revealed that to his right was a pond, its glassy smooth surface reflecting accurately the mirror image of two stately black swans skimming along. The clear, pale, gunmetal-coloured surface of the water also reflected the gathering overhead scudding clouds, mid-grey and promising rain.

Waterlilies, pale lilac, waxen and perfect dotted the small lake too. Each one was surrounded by their quota of large, veined leaves providing a haven for greenish-gold froglets; the odd little tremulous swish nearby proving that the dainty little koi fish so beloved of manicured Japanese gardens, also found sanctuary beneath the spreading surfaces of the exotic blooms.

The miniature patio immediately in front of his room was a riot of blooms; bright pink and purple petunias spilling over the rim of the hanging basket they were in, stately bronze wallflowers, interspersed with tall, fragrant stocks crowded in terracotta pots, a riot of cream, lilac and deep purple shades. There was a white wicker-work chair too, its plump feather-filled, royal purple cushion mostly obscured by the large tortoiseshell cat curled asleep on it like a soft fluffy ball of wool, her long tail giving small, sinuous swishes, purring quietly as she dreamed of cat-adored things.

The scene was a riot of colour, beauty and serenity even with the battleship grey clouds threatening and Kaname didn't care one bit. The demons danced in his head with jarring, incessant inner cries of _Drink! Drink! Drink_! their constant refrain, the cries as regular as clockwork, as incessant as tom-toms beating in the jungle. He felt that he would sell his soul to the lowest bidder at the moment if they would only bring him a bottle or even a glass of his beloved red wine.

He sat with now unseeing eyes, too deeply sunk in his own inner misery to notice the beauties of nature beyond the stone patio at all. Kaname's head ached and felt dull and leaden with the sedatives they pumped into him morning and night, whether he protested or not. His stomach lay in a tight, outraged mass, promising to upend itself sometime soon, just being coy about exactly when so that the accompanying doom-laden feeling was his constant companion.

Kaname's temples throbbed and his hands continued to shake with a fine, barely-there tremor. His mouth felt arid and disgustingly sour, like a very old birdcage no one had bothered to tend to in a very long time. Walking also gave him a hard time, his gait now hesitant, unsteady and unreliable; his natural finesse and balance having deserted him for the moment along with his dignity and he feared his old, confident self was gone for evermore.

He snorted at the thought of having any dignity in a place like this where a grown man had to wear horrid, scratchy rough cotton pyjamas and a sloppy one-size-fits-all robe in a deeply unbecoming shade of olive green and to add insult to injury, this last item without a belt because _"we might do ourselves a mischief, mightn't we?"_ as the overbearing, arrogant nurse…attendant…jailer or what ever the hell he was, was wont to say too often and with a leering, self-satisfied relish.

Kaname didn't know how long he'd been here, here of course being the rehabilitation hospital that had been foisted upon him from a very short list of choices. It went by the hideously cheerful name of…what, what was it now? His handsome wide brow wrinkled as he struggled to pull the fact out of his foggy memory. Ah yes, Shadyside Lodge or Sunnyside Lodge or something inane like that, some twee resort-style name that hid what the place really was; a place for drying out, for coming clean, for facing up the fact that life had suddenly smacked him straight into a brick wall without any easy way out.

Kaname sat contemplating the uncomfortable, nylon slip-on indoor shoes they'd given him to wear after they'd taken away his street clothes and his well-loved, well polished favourite leather brogues.

It was bad enough that his skin longed for the familiar touch and comfort of his tailored silk shirts, not to mention his comfortable, soft pyjamas but they'd also taken everything else, however innocuous it might have seemed. He was without the aforementioned articles but also without his silk monogrammed handkerchiefs, his trusty electric razor, and his lovely lemony aftershave and even without his own toothbrush.

_Oh yes_, he thought bitterly, no toothbrush or razor of his own, his mind cringing as he thought of the ape-like attendant who came to tend to him every morning, while showering, shaving and ever watching with beady, ogling eyes as Kaname dispiritedly scrubbed his teeth with an over-large, hard bristled institutional brush that was whisked away the moment he finished. Complaining did no good at all, he was told that he would not be permitted to do certain things without supervision; everyone was concerned for his well-being, that he would come to harm while still in his delicate state.

_Harm!_ He snorted to himself. He knew where the harm was coming from and it wasn't from him.

A shudder ran through him and his gorge rose as he remembered how those lascivious eyes ran up and down his naked, vulnerable body; the other man's fleshy lips pulled back in a horribly knowing fashion while large knuckled, hairy hands twitched with wanting to "help" dry him. Kaname imagined with nausea how those sausage-sized fingers would feel greedily grasping and touching him, horrid invasions into the most sacred places on his helpless self. The mere thought of it was enough to pepper his dreams with abundant night terrors.

Weak as he was, Kaname tried desperately to keep his tormentor at bay by resolutely keeping his self facing the cold tiled wall as much as possible. His was lucky insofar that his helper was not quite yet game to actually touch him but those avid, hungry eyes never left him, making Kaname's skin crawl and leaving him feeling totally violated anyway.

The routine finished the same way each day with his "attendant" hissing intimately into his ear, "Well, _sweetheart_, that was a _lovely_ start to the day, wasn't it?" Pausing to smack his lips wetly, he then continued in that rasping, coarse voice, "Now remember my fine, young gentleman, remember what I said happens to naughty boys that tell tales about hardworking _kindly_ staff like me." The ape paused and leaned in even closer, his fetid breath an insult against Kaname's pale cheek.

"Remember," he drawled, his lips drawn back into a sneer, " I have the key to your room and I can come see you…any…time…I want to."

Giving his victim one last, lingering, reptilian glance the tormentor then slid out of the room, shutting the door with a loud click, leaving Kaname even whiter faced and trembling. That had been the start to each and every morning for the past week.

Kaname fluctuated wildly between outrage and utter hopelessness at this treatment. The first emotion would fuel his desire to overcome the obstacles thrown at him, get sober and cleaned up and out of this hellhole. The second would inevitably plummet him back into an abyss of apathy and gloom. At the moment he'd slid backwards again, floundering in the slough of despair, it was all just too much to bear. Right now, the thought that he might just succumb and leave his torment behind forever if there was any justice in the world at all was seductive indeed.

Kaname let the horrible memories wash over him until it was too much, his stomach finally outraged into action. He got up and staggered into the tiny bathroom, stumbling over to the white porcelain, lidless toilet and fell to his knees, retching with wave after wave of acidic watery bile. He clung to the towel rail with one shaking hand for support while the other tried to hold back his long, dark, bedraggled hair.

After what seemed an age, Kaname staggered to his feet and tottered weakly the small distance to the washbasin, running cold water into the paper cup there. He gulped two large mouthfuls down; pausing while his overworked insides slowly accepted the cold liquid, keeping his eyes firmly averted from the small square mirror over the washbasin. Exhaling shakily once he was sure the cold water he'd drunk was going to stay put, he headed back out to his bed, sinking onto it weakly and pulling the soft woolly blanket partially over him. He lay there shaking, gulping and clearing his throat searching for some measure of composure.

_If only that was the worst of it_, he thought bleakly to himself. When they had admitted him to this hellish place, they had taken the contents of his pockets and put them into 'safe custody' as they put it. Kaname didn't care that he no longer had his wallet, keys, phone or money clip in his possession. The worst thing was that they also had his feather that had been tangled up in his handkerchief. His precious feather was now locked in the safe along with his other belongings.

It wasn't quite as bad as when he'd thought he lost it because this time he knew where it was, but he also knew now that something about it was necessary for his wellbeing. Something about that little scrap was so vital to him, he just wished he knew why it was and where did it come from.

The only thing keeping Kaname from just turning his face to the wall, literally, and just curling up and abandoning all hope was the fact that when he really, really tried, he could still feel a miniscule faint burst of the effects of his feather. When he lay in the dark and the tears welled up and over he wrapped his arms around himself and rocked gently to and fro, buried deep under his covers. As the craving for a drink, any kind of alcohol, any drink burned in him along with the great, crashing waves of self pity, a corner of his soul automatically cried out, implored what ever force or being that dwelt in his feather to come to him.

_Please, whatever you are, whoever you are, come back. Come and give me the strength to climb out of this raging inferno that is my body. Please just…I want…I need…Just please._

Kaname lay in his narrow bed, the woollen blanket pulled well up and over his head and rocked and keened until his demons finally slid into oblivion in the early hours of the morning. He slept fitfully with his last thought being…

_Either come save me or let me die_.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

**Next: Dark be the heart yet soft silver beckons**.


	8. Dark be my heart yet soft silver beckons

It's been somewhat of break to say the least and I won't waste everyone's time with apologies but here is the next chapter.

What is important to mention though is the fact that my dear Beta, **Yengirl**, didn't lose faith in me even as I tried her patience to the limit. As with all my Vampire Knight stories, they would be but a pale shadow of themselves without her. My gratitude to her incredible patience and kindness knows no bounds. I would also like to mention dear **Schattengestalt** whose hand of friendship never wavered. Thank you to both of you.

I write for the pleasure of it and no money comes to me from this story and I have no claim to anything from the VK universe.

**Chapter 8: Dark be the heart yet soft silver beckons.**

The bead of liquid welled up, swelling until it nearly breached the limit allowed by the laws of gravity. It trembled a moment or two resembling a pearl as it grew perfectly round, something quite beautiful yet simultaneously having the power to be a herald of the unthinkable. Unable to defy the laws of the universe any longer, it trailed down in a little rush at first then slowing the further it dribbled. Silently traversing a landscape of pale ivory sleekness, it traced a languorous, meandering path, rivulet after rivulet branching away to form a delicate tracery with a strange, mesmerizing beauty.

The clock ticked softly, each measured little sound barely disturbing the quiet of the warm room. The blinds were not drawn shut, allowing the faint silvery light of the moon to cast cold shadows across the bed and its occupant, painting the scene with an overlay of false colours, a trickery for the eyes should anyone have happened to be there.

But there was no one there other than him. No onlooker to see that beautiful arm artistically marked with that delicate mapping of wet little runnels. Not a soul to remark on the growing patch of crimson, eerily beautiful, sleek and silent as it crept across the polished floor boards, millimetre by millimetre, as if in quest for subtle invasion of yet more territory.

The hidden night birds called to each other, releasing tinkling fairy cascades of song that fluted across the large, pomegranate-red roses in the verdant garden, oblivious to the growing drama beyond the French windows. After a moment, the pale ethereal moonlight revealed a flicker of movement in the shrubbery. Then the institution's cat appeared and smoothed her ruffled fur before jumping up onto the windowsill with liquid, long practiced ease.

She sniffed along the painted windowsill before inserting herself under the pulled up window sash with sinuous grace. The gap was not large, but she was mostly fluffy fur and passed through with ease, landing silently on the varnished floor with dainty padded feet.

She walked over to the bed; seeking the one, whom she adored, now lying so still under the rough scratchy blanket they both hated. He was a rare being who knew the way to treat a cat such as herself; who knew how to caress the underside of the soft chin she offered, who knew that when she withdrew, following, coaxing or cajoling her was not an option. They coexisted peacefully, he alone with his thoughts and she with hers with the occasional interaction to reassure a fellow creature they weren't alone in an unkind world.

Halfway across the room the calico-patterned feline paused, cocking her head and listening to the bird song outside, using her nose to sample the air. She took a few more steps and paused again, hesitant. There was something alien in the atmosphere; something unknown and even menacing. Whiskers aquiver she took another step or two, halting as her courage failed her. She then sent forth a tiny, inquisitive meow, cocking her head as she waited for what she knew not.

The clock ticked on, neither its uncaring face nor its timekeeping rhythm altered a jot by the unfolding drama before it.

The puddle on the floor slowly spread, its growth invisible to a watcher's eye but grow it did, each tiny perfect ruby drop adding to its perimeter. The cat padded over to it and sat down, finding the familiarity of the room out of kilter tonight. She looked uncomprehendingly at the drops sliding down the pale, slim fingers; looked at the hand that usually tickled her under her soft chin and now was so pallid and still.

That slender hand would caress her ears too and she waited expectantly for a moment or two longer, sitting in the silent atmosphere of the darkened room. Nothing happened, that elegant hand did not come seeking the comfort of her fur and the time dragged slowly, each moment seemingly stuck in time, like a fly in amber.

Gathering her muscles under her, she sprang up easily onto the bed. What she saw was not to her liking at all.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0

Zero sat in the staff room perusing a newspaper that failed to engage his attention in any meaningful way. A half-finished milky coffee cooled in a chipped blue stoneware mug next to his elbow. He was finding a few things that were really to his liking in his new existence; institutional coffee that tasted like hot water with ground up brown crayons in it was not one of them.

Zero felt unsettled and was not sure why. Something prickled in the back of his senses, but he was unable to pinpoint any particular thing that was making his level of unease creep up, minute-by-minute. He stood up and stretched, stifling a yawn as he did so. Then he fixed an eye on the clock, calculating how long until his next round of the ward. _Another hour, _he thought, _until I can catch another glimpse of my beautiful, sleeping Kaname. _The corners of his mouth turned up in a small, warm smile and his heart gave a tiny lurch of joy.

Of course, Zero could go bask in the exquisite pleasure of just watching Kaname sleep anytime, but he chose not to. He measured out the doses of Kaname that he allowed himself, allowing the yearning within him to burn with a delicate blend of agony and ecstasy. His transformation from angel to human was not yet complete and he needed to keep a rigid control on that mesmerizing factor that would hold everyone in thrall - the inner beauty of his nature. The pressure on his mind was intense as he strove to hold that part of him back so that no one would be captured and bound to him by a careless glance on his part.

Zero had been working at this rehabilitation centre for two weeks now. Kaname was still unaware of his presence and indeed, had not yet seen him. The thought of his reaction when he finally did was exciting as well as worrying to Zero.

_What if he doesn't feel the same way I do? What if I am not the one his lonely heart has been searching for?_

Zero knew that this new life would be the emptiest of husks without Kaname, and that his bridges were well and truly burned in the other direction as well. Still, whenever he was near the sleeping form of Kaname, Zero was especially careful to keep out of sight even though it nearly drove him to the edge of his patience.

The thought of Kaname being tied and beholden to him purely by accident of seeing his true nature was not to be borne. Kaname had to come to love and want him through his own will and desire otherwise as far as Zero was concerned, life would not be worth living. Zero had enough pain in his life and the last thing he was looking for was more of the same.

Sudden moisture flooded his eyes as he remembered back to the moment a fortnight ago, when he had kissed the Goddess goodbye once and for all. Pangs of grief that he thought were well buried and tamped deep down flared up again, each little prick sharper than broken shards of crystal in his soul.

And then there was Yuuki.

_Gods, Yuuki_, he thought, anguish once again burning bright as a distress flare within his head. _My sweet, sweet baby sister, I'm so sorry,_ he thought as his throat tightened to the point where he could hardly swallow. Memories besieged him of the poor little child wrapped around his knees, hiccupping with sobs as she begged 'my Zero' not to go.

The Goddess had scooped up the copper-haired little girl and pressed her daughter's face into her soft, motherly shoulder. Her own anguished, limpid cornflower-blue eyes entreated that Zero should leave now, before the child's distress soared any higher.

Zero had leaned in and kissed one of his sister's perfumed winglets, inhaling as deeply as he could that soft scent of summer-ripe peaches and sunshine; stowing that delicious aroma deep into his memory bank, knowing he wouldn't come across it again for a very, very long time, if at all.

Locking eyes with his mother as he buried his face in the soft fluffiness, a crackling white bolt of energy went between them and Zero knew then and there, that she had severed the bonds that held him there in their home. His heart constricted for a moment, physically as well as emotionally, his vision starring for an instant. There was a fleeting rush of anguish and something else he couldn't quite describe, save that it was cool and peaceful. Then the Goddess reached out her free hand to touch his silvery hair and the pain started to ebb away, a sense of inner peace starting to wrap around him, inside and out.

_Goodbye my beloved son, I carry you within my heart and soul forever. May the spirits keep you in their care. When the time seems darkest look to me here in the heavens and know I see all and I send you my love and inspiration. Zero… my heart… my firstborn… know that I love you always._

The Goddess' rich warm voice trailed away in his head and they looked at one another until there was nothing else left to say. Zero's new life that he longed for was finally at hand. They both knew that it was good and right and as it should be, but the parting still carried a razor's edge. Blinking, he turned away and began to walk a few paces, turning back once more to see his mother crooning into Yuuki's curls as she laid the charm of forgetting over her youngest. Zero's last glimpse showed his mother's lashes thick with crystal tears and her usually serene face crumpled with hitherto unseen grief.

Swallowing hard, he turned his face to the west and began walking, knowing that sometime very soon oblivion would find him. He didn't see the Goddess lift her head to look at him with the faint beginnings of a tiny smile hovering on her lips as if blessed with a sudden inspiration.

To grant Zero some ease and sweeten his strange new life, the Goddess had with kindness and love, decided to leave him with the ability to bring forth his wings at moments when he deeply desired to do so. She would grant him the knowledge that the soft, feathery appendages would appear again in all their radiant glory during moments that held the deepest of meaning for Zero, moments linked to strong emotion – be it romantic passion or volcanic thoughts of anger.

A soft smile of remembrance had graced her noble features then as she recalled another pair of wings from long, long ago. They were a soft, pearly dove-grey pair that had wrapped securely around her in the ecstasy and heated euphoria of her lover's ultimate intimate embrace. A small, deep shiver passed through her with the much-cherished thought about the beauty of that memory.

She decided then and there, she wanted Zero to have that ability too, to give the ultimate finish to that soaring moment of pleasure when he claimed his beloved Kaname.

Zero didn't know it yet but he still retained his signature violet scent well. It was something deeply imbued in his nature just as Yuuki's sun-kissed peach scent was hers, and his mother was loath to take it from him, knowing it should be one of the lovely things to share with his beloved, a special private aspect of that silken, sacred bond between them.

~0~0~0~0~

The dark haired, wiry-framed man looked at himself in the cloudy mirror, whistling tunelessly through his thin lips, pausing and smiling briefly at his reflection now and then to show crooked yellowing teeth. He continued to admire himself, narcissistically fascinated with his image in the looking glass as the comb made newly grooved order out of his matted, greasy hair with each long swipe. He debated for a moment as to whether he should shave or not, comb suspended in the air as his sallow countenance looked back at him with equanimity. Blinking his bi-coloured eyes a few times, he then broke out in a snaggle-toothed grin.

_Naaah! Rido my man, you are handsome enough this morning! No one here but the crazies to see you anyway so why gild the lily?_

A grimace of satisfaction crossed his jowly face when his thoughts wandered to the inmates he would see on his morning round, eyes brightening as he remembered the special one that never failed to lift his spirits while as he plodded through his hateful duties.

His viscera tightened as a little flood of excitement flashed through him, causing him to swallow the sudden spurt of saliva in his mouth at the thought of Kaname. Yes, yes, the once proud but now very vulnerable Kaname, who under Rido's special kind of malice, grew more and more broken each day.

The mere thought of it was enough to stir all of Rido's nerve endings. He thought with great satisfaction at how he had been working on breaking down that haughty, beautiful creature for a while now with each carefully placed veiled threat and each leering, lascivious look. Sexual energy would flash through him each time he caught sight of the fearful undercurrent in Kaname's eyes when their eyes met in those horrible games.

Rido laid down the dandruff-clotted, gap-toothed comb and brushed down his orderly's uniform, checking that no buttons were missing. Not that he cared whether he looked tidy or not, but that new male head of section was a stickler for such things. That silver haired man was going to be trouble. Zero had been here barely a week or two and he had chivvied and harried Rido about all manner of things from punctuality, to carelessness with the medication, to being kinder to the inmates. Rido shivered as he remembered the strange frisson of fear that had passed over him each time their gazes met. Those striking lilac eyes seemed able to bore right down into the small, twisted, blackened lump that passed for Rido's soul.

_Kinder to the inmates! _He thought with a snort, shaking that unwelcome little icy finger of unease from himself. _Kindness is the last thing these rich, pampered darlings need. A good sharp shock is what does the most good, _he grumbled to himself under his breath. _I'm going to have to watch him a bit more carefully and see if I can't find some weakness, some vice against him. I need a bit of insurance for an emergency._

Life under Zero would soon grow to be intolerable otherwise.

With his thoughts turned inward, Rido chewed his lip absently as he picked up his I.D. lanyard, turned on his heel and headed out the door, leaving his dingy, untidy room in the staff quarters behind without a second glance. As he walked along, he felt in his pocket to make sure he had his keys while thoughts of Kaname's beautifully pale, terror stricken face resurfaced from the grey pond of his memory.

_Yes, my pretty one, you are just about where I want you. Yes indeed._

His normally deadened shark's eyes lit up a little as he remembered how a naked and humiliated Kaname had tried hard not to cower away in the corner because he thought the 'monster' was finally going to touch him, touch him where no one but a lover ought. Rido gave a harsh bark that passed for laughter, his still pocketed hand now stroking and kneading his hardening flesh, courtesy of the pleasant memories surging through his grubby, vacuous mind.

_Yes, my proud prince today is the day. Enough prancing about and keeping you from knowing the splendour that is Rido, _he thought with grandiose vanity. His blood sang in his veins, heady as fine champagne with the thought of finally laying his rough, calloused hands on that very tender white body. His fingers gave one last squeeze, flooding his nerve endings with a last burst of excitement and then he pulled his hand out of his pocket with difficulty, knowing he had to enter the presence of critical eyes in just a few minutes.

Still, he would have his satisfaction later so it was only a small annoyance having to pretend that he was a so-called _normal, decent _human being for the moment. Rido grinned again as the happy thought washed over him of how lucky this establishment was to have him, his musing adding a further layer to his sense of wellbeing, his sense of self-importance.

_Today is your lucky day, Kaname. Indeed it is. Your lucky, lucky day._

Rido started striding down the long olive drab painted corridor towards the staff room, but suddenly detoured down the corridor to the right where Kaname's bedroom lay. Whistling quietly under his breath, he thought about that special pair of wide, misery-filled eyes and how today was going to be a very good day, new head man or not.

~0~0~0~0~0~

Zero had resumed his seat at the square, white Laminex topped table, filling out paper work that had to be accounted for before the early morning rounds started. When he heard tuneless, discordant whistling away in the near distance, his heart sank.

Rido. Something about that man just made Zero's skin crawl. He couldn't put a finger on it, but he thought he detected an unhealthy interest in the inmates behind those strange, dull eyes. The fact that one eye was a pale slaty blue and the other an odd rusted orange didn't help matters in the least. Something in that man's manner boded ill all around. Zero was resolved to keep a wary eye on him at all times if possible.

At least he didn't have to 'mute' himself in Rido's presence. Zero was always aware of having to hold back his personality, his intense gaze, from most people so as not to enthrall them unnecessarily but with Rido it was different. There was something so _alien_, so _dead_ within Rido that there simply was nothing that was going to engage that process between Zero and that cold, repugnant man. So it was in a way, one less strain on Zero in his daily rounds.

Zero cursed mildly under his breath as his frustration with dealing with life on the earthly plane grew. Once he would have been able to look straight into a person's soul and see the very depths of their character and know every thing about that person. Now that he no longer had that ability, he had to use his newly emerging human intuition instead, a more difficult alternative.

Adding to his misery was the fact that his wings were now coming to the end of their normal usage, up until now, an unthinking daily presence in his life. The sight of them was masked so that no one could see them unless he wished them too, but they had started to deteriorate of their own natural progression. Each time they reappeared they were fainter, like some beautiful pearlescent hologram shimmering insubstantially, disappearing scintillation by scintillation, a soft wavering of reality in time. The place where they physically sprouted below his shoulder blades was now strangely uncomfortable too, somewhere between an ache and an itch and very distracting.

Zero loved his wings, they were an integral part of him, soft, soothing and warming. He didn't have to think about how nice they were, his wings were just part of him, part of everything that was good in his life. He knew that to be part of an earthly society wingless was the norm but he was going to miss them as part of his everyday existence.

Zero sighed. Becoming human was full of little pitfalls and unexpected moments. Just as well there were some very happy things awaiting him as well.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~

The little cat padded rapidly up the hallway with the intention of finding Zero in the staff tearoom. He nearly always had a buttery crust of toast for her when she made her rounds and she was fond of him for his own sake, not just for the tidbits he made available to her. She was also drawn to the exquisite faint aroma that clung to him, the softest, sweetest hint of spring flowering violet that always filled her with delight. This time though, there were more important things on her mind.

Zero looked away from his paperwork as he heard a small meow somewhere down at his feet, and then leaned back with a smile so that the cat could jump up into his lap, as was her wont. She landed neatly on his thighs and braced her dainty little forepaws on his chest, rubbing her cheek along the crisp white plane of his linen shirt.

She seemed unsettled to Zero as his long fingers gently ruffled the fur around her ears. She wasn't purring and he detected a faint trembling in her body. Putting his fingers under her fuzzy chin, he tilted her delicate, heart shaped face up so he could look into her jade green eyes.

"What seems to be the trouble, sweet puss?" he enquired as he continued to stroke and soothe her. Her heart was going like a little steam engine under his enquiring hand and Zero's brows knitted with a niggle of worry. He was about to speak to her again when she suddenly leapt to the floor and meowed at him once more. As his eyes followed her descent, he noticed some small dark marks on the flawless snowy front of his shirt. Puzzled, he touched a fingertip to one stain and saw a little of it come off on his skin. Curious now, he clicked on the table lamp to supplement the light for the overhead globe was yellowish, casting a light that was not true to colour.

A cold draft of alarm trickled down Zero's spine. The inner register of his heart knew that he was looking at a faint smear of blood on his finger long before his brain processed the fact. He was on his feet and following the cat down the hallway in an instant, his heart pounding wildly in his tightening chest. He knew that both the source of the blood and his earlier anxiety could only be Kaname, nothing else would upset him this much.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~

Rido stood at the doorway to Kaname's room, the taunting words on his lips drying up before he could utter them. The rich copper tang in the air assailed his nostrils as he slowly moved towards the bed, his thoughts disordered by the sheer unexpectedness of what was staring him in the face.

He reached out automatically to touch the rich, carmine fluid that was soaking the edge of the coverlet under Kaname's forearm and looked down to see that he was standing in a veritable lake of red. Hastily, he stepped back, his rubber soled boots sliding a little in the deadly slickness on the floor. He steadied himself by grasping the nearest thing to hand, Kaname's chilly torso, his fingers leaving rusty smears on the pale skin.

As he touched Kaname's cool skin, Rido realized that he had his hands on the prize he had sought for so long. Such was the uncaring monster in him that even the horror of the bloodied scene receded into nothing as he drew his fingers up the smooth planes of Kaname's body. His lips slackened at the sensation and he became uncaring of being discovered here with a helpless Kaname, greedy fingers scrabbling over alabaster soft skin, tweaking jerkily at pale nipples.

Rido groaned thickly in his throat, caution thrown to the winds as blood deserted his brain, pooling and thickening again in the opposite place, straining the front of his uniform pants and stressing the tight cotton cloth to near breaking point. He abandoned himself to his lascivious task, the total lack of movement or struggle on his victim's part already registering as compliance in Rido's self absorbed grubby mind.

Kaname lay unseeing, unfeeling, and unaware on the coarse linen of his bed. Indeed, the touch of rough fingers on his chest and belly didn't fire the synapses in his brain that would have launched him into flight if he were conscious, and _yet_, there _was_ something there. A tiny flicker of dread, miniscule prickles of fear trembling deeply within the deep core of Kaname's mind. His body, almost at the end of its usefulness, didn't care but his brain still clung weakly to life and sent forth a faint but steady stream of alarmed adrenaline. A thought, dim and tremulous, struggled out from the fading shadow of his consciousness.

_Help me._

Down the other end of the building where the office was located, Kaname's feather trembled; a shower of tiny silver sparks lighting up the dark little box that was its prison.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~

Lost in his avarice, Rido forgot that he stood in a pool of rapidly coagulating blood. He was trembling at the thought of what was in his grasp, his fumbling hands already at the drawstring of Kaname's pyjama pants. A combination of faint moaning noises and panting breaths escaped past his slack lips as he tugged at the recalcitrant string. Lust clouded his mind as his desire spiked, ragged jolts of adrenaline roaring through his veins with a feeling finer than any opiate he had ever imbibed before.

_Now, my fine Kaname-sama, _he mocked silently as his greedy eyes briefly swept up to Kaname's unseeing ones, _now you will know the wonder that is Rido. Now you will beg. Now your haughty ways will not do you any good at all._

Rido's attention moved back down to that fine, pale, flat belly under his palms and he laughed as the reluctant knot in the string tie-belt gave way. Licking his lips, he sank to his knees by the bed.

_Now… at last… I will have my just reward. Let the game begin, _he thought with savage relish.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~

Rido did not notice the little cat scooting into the room. Bent over the recumbent figure of Kaname, his greedy moans masked the head of section's arrival as well. Pausing at the door, Zero's eyes registered fragments of what he was seeing like a series of strobe lights. Broken images flashed into his brain… blood… Kaname… blood… the frantically circling cat…

And… _blood._

_Rido_.

The inside of Zero's head felt too tight along with his chest, pain, fright and outrage welling up from some hereto-inexperienced place deep within him.

_Kaname! Kaname! What… blood. Blood. Blood! Oh dear Goddess, look at all that blood!_

His mind spun like a maelstrom, his senses overloaded with the sights, sounds and scents streaming through him. Feelings and emotions that he had never had to deal with before burst into brightness inside his head like some savage wilderness encountered around the unexpected bend in a hitherto straight road.

The thought that the other man had killed Kaname, his _Kaname_, came screaming to the forefront of Zero's brain.

_Can't be dead! Don't be dead!_

Zero's heart began to hurt with the sudden violence of it all. White-hot rage at what that loathsome creature was doing to his chosen beloved churned through his thoughts, along with a numbing, crippling fear that he was too late, that Kaname had slipped beyond his grasp battled for supremacy inside his tortured thoughts.

Silver light filled the room as Zero's wings erupted forth, bursting forth into existence from the agony of his emotions with the intensity of magnesium-bright fireworks.

Zero didn't move, but the world seemed to erupt in violence anyway, the hateful form of Rido suddenly crumpling against the opposite wall, his eyes glazed and unsteady as he sagged to the cold tiled floor. He searched for oxygen, his lungs expelling air with a deep grunt, lying there in the searchlight of Zero's burning gaze.

The air in the in cell-like bedroom crackled with a furious energy as Zero fought the overwhelming urge to kill Rido, looming over him with his heart pounding a furious tattoo within his chest, his vision blurry with the sheer incandescence of his rage. There was nothing ethereal in Zero's blazing eyes at the moment, only that primal basic urge to protect his loved one, regardless of the cost to himself.

Rido's bravado dried up along with his lust after just one glance at those deep diamond-bright eyes that wished him nothing but death on the most agonizing scale possible.

"_What in the name of the Goddess have you done?"_

The words were ground out from between Zero's teeth with an intensity that seared his throat with pain, emerging in a near thunder of a shout at the terrified man.

"You've killed him! You miserable, God-forsaken creature…you've killed him!"

The normally gentle being that couldn't conceive of hurting anyone erupted into an avenging angel bent on the ultimate destruction, strong hands finding Rido's throat. Taking on a will of their own, his fingers began to squeeze, forcing their victim to struggle and gasp and try to wrench himself free. Rido's usual strength was doubled by fear, but to no avail in the face of Zero's remnants of otherworldly powers.

All sense of reason had deserted Zero now. He couldn't even form the words that ripped through his head, his heart until both felt like exploding. All he could think in that blinding silver haze around him was how _dare_ this loathsome, vile creature even think of touching _his Kaname._

_Don't be dead. Don't be dead_._Please, please don't be dead._

His gorge rose, self-anger joining in with the dread, thoughts that he _should_ have been here, _should_ have come earlier, just five minutes earlier, bloomed with poisonous intensity. A low, unfamiliar vibration from his throat emanated as a growl. Zero redoubled his efforts on extinguishing the life from that hated monster on the floor beneath him.

The urge to kill, something so alien to his nature, something he could not even abide to think of in the past, was something he could so easily imagine now, in his devastation and fright that Kaname might be gone, taken from him on the cusp of everything wonderful that could have been.

"You! You..." spluttered Zero, inarticulate with rage. "How dare you…I _will_ kill you!"

Panic, anger, terror and total chaos flooded through him and his wings beat great drafts of air through the room, his sweet violet scent turned into a choking fog all around them. Heated sparks flew through the air and feathers too, some literally disintegrating into a shower of little specks of brilliance that hurt the eye to see.

Rido's face was a swollen mask of near purple flesh, mismatched eyes bulging from their sockets as he struggled to suck in enough oxygen to give his starved lungs some ease. He tried to scream at his attacker to just let him breathe, he could explain, but barely a croak left his throat. As his calloused fingers continued to scrabble on Zero's wrists without success, the thrashing of his legs against the floor grew fainter. Just as the world began to swirl blackest around him and Rido felt his senses teeter on the brink of leaving, the pressure at his throat lessened. Reviving minutely, he scrabbled backwards as far as he could from Zero, gagging and coughing and holding his damaged throat, gasping for life sustaining air.

At the height of his fury, Zero had finally become aware of ragged jagging pricks raking along the back of his arms, along the back of his shirt. The little cat had turned from pretty feline to raging virago as she attacked Zero; her fur bristled up to twice her size and her green eyes glittering wildly. She felt Kaname's life-force was becoming tenuous at best, an almost imperceptible ribbon, vanishing into the ether and she knew that if she didn't get Zero's attention soon, all would be beyond help.

Going against every fibre of her sweet, soft nature, she'd turned on Zero knowing that nothing else was even going to come close to breaking the spell he was under. It pained her to hurt this usually gentle soul, but she steeled herself and shredded his shirt with her claws, wet crimson stripes adorning him as his blood beaded up along the welts.

The moment Zero paused, falling exhaustedly to his knees on the gore splattered floor, she stopped her onslaught and ran into his lap, pushing her furry little face hard up against his chest and meowing for forgiveness, her calls tremulous and pathetic.

Zero momentarily looked at her with blank eyes and even as his hand rose to swat the little creature aside, his brain found some semblance of sense and reality. The threatened swing turned into a two handed scooping up of the small animal. She squirmed out of his grasp and in two bounds was on the bed again, frantically calling Zero with her strained terror-stricken mews.

Zero cast a swift glance at the bed and the direness of the situation honed in on him again. Cursing himself for losing his focus on Kaname to waste precious vital minutes on Rido, he scrambled the short distance across the floor and lifted Kaname's forearm up onto the bed, registering the ice-cold chill of it as he carefully held it between his nerveless fingers.

_Kaname! Kaname! Don't be dead, don't, don't, don't! I just found you! You can't leave me now! There's a whole world I want to know with you and I can't live without you. Oh Goddess, Goddess help me, he's going... Help me… help… Mother… please!_

That thunderstorm of rage was abated now, leaving only shock and grief behind. Zero's words tore raggedly from his throat, a sob threatening to break forth as he shook Kaname's cold chest and ran his fingers over a beautiful face that registered not a glimmer of a twitch in reaction. Responding automatically to the lack of visible signs of body heat in Kaname, Zero's wings flared forth yet again, this time in love and sorrow, not in rage. The soft silken feathers formed their protective bell over all three of them, the little cat now firmly pressed against Kaname's other arm. She purred non-stop, her instinct telling her that whatever body heat she could provide would help warm the enclosed space and hopefully make Zero's efforts a little easier.

~0~0~0~0~0~

Rido's eyes fluttered open, the agony of his injured throat bringing him back to reality from where he had passed out. He threw a fearful glance across the room, trembling fingers moving to shade his eyes from the crystal bright aura that flamed all around the bed. With every breath that sent a knife slash through his burning trachea, he scrambled to his knees and slithered out of the doorway, the urge to flee sending a surge of adrenaline through his veins.

Rido did not want to be anywhere within distance of a return of Zero's murderous rage. Fear lent alacrity to his escape, not even noticing the bloodstained footprints he left on the floor of the corridor.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~

At the forefront of Zero's turmoil was the intrinsic knowledge that if Kaname spilled even one more drop of his precious blood then all would be lost. Instinct drove him to pick up that pale, bloodied limb and press his lips to the ragged slash at the wrist, sealing it against further fluid loss with his mouth. He kissed Kaname's wound with fervour, lips drawing the jagged edges of skin together, lapping and pressing his tongue against the cool wetness, hoping that some kind of healing balm left from his rapidly disappearing heavenly nature would find its way to the beleaguered Kaname.

The young cat watched Zero, ceaseless purrs emerging from its throat as she huddled close to Kaname's ribs with her front paws on his chest, the soft insignificant weight of her warming his body gently as Zero continued his desperate efforts. She cocked her head and switched her gaze to Kaname, feeling a slight stirring under her velvet-padded paws, the most minute of movements felt only by her.

~0~0~0~0~0~

Kaname dreamed he lay in the icy snow, feeling the chill creeping ever further inwards, penetrating his bones, a soft deadly lethargy that spread into every cell of his body. He couldn't think where he was but somehow it seemed to matter less and less, the seductive siren song of the cold was irresistible and he abandoned himself to it without hesitation.

He was tired, utterly tired. It was just easier to just hover on the edge of life and let the frost spill over him and claim his hands, feet, torso and heart. He felt he was somehow on the outside looking in through a window that was slowly icing over and he even felt glad about the feeling that it all wouldn't matter very much at all very, very soon.

A feeble memory fluttered at the back of his mind and he couldn't quite place it, it was like a moth that had lost its way through the darkened garden - blown off course by a stray puff of the unforgiving winter wind. Kaname knew that he had been afraid but the reason why had already eluded him. It was gone and he sighed deeply, not realizing that there was no outward sign of this at all. His chest did not expand and no sound came forth from his colourless lips.

Suddenly, the balance tipped. The moment when the boatman steps forward to claim his coin to ferry the soul across the Styx did not come, the irrevocable was halted even as it was about to totter into existence.

Light flared diamond bright around Kaname and it hurt, the intensity too much to bear even though his eyes remained closed, the struggle to lift his lids too much for the moment. A sensation of tremendous heat burst into life on his wrist, the shock of it sending the cold backtracking away as if a flaming brand had been applied to the surface of a frozen pond, causing a swiftly spreading maze of cracks to break the icy spell.

~0~0~0~0~0~

Zero's fingers remained tightly around Kaname's hand even as the frantic kisses he'd placed there slowed, the awful knowledge that it was all to no avail overwhelmed him.

_I've implored you my Goddess, I've dug deep into my own soul and yet it is not enough. Kaname, Kaname, I did what I could._

Grief poured into Zero like the torrents from a dam burst; unstoppable and implacable, caring not for where it went. He gave a great shuddering sigh and flopped forward, his cheek coming to rest over Kaname's heart, his silvery hair flowing over his forehead and cascading softly over Kaname's shoulder. Tears welled, trembled and spilled creating blurry trails through the cherry coloured stains gracing Zero's cheek and chin, his soft lips crimsoned also and hauntingly beautiful under the veil of Kaname's blood.

Minutes dragged by like ages and Zero stayed perfectly still unable and unwilling to move, the thought of lifting his cheek away from Kaname's heart an utter sacrilege. He barely breathed, he barely thought. Zero just existed holding onto the moment, just willing reality to suspend and backtrack to allow him another chance at this, allowing him another try at getting this right.

_Mother, oh Mother, please come to me, I will do anything for this to be different. I will do what ever you bid me go wherever you send me. Take my life if it needs must to balance the tides of the universe, just let him live._

After a moment or two the thought blazed through Zero that he simply could not let Kaname go like this, without a blessing on what would have been the best of loves, the best of lives. Slowly easing up his face so that he could fully take in Kaname's already so beloved face, sweeping his gaze over the pallor of his cheeks, the fine smoothness of his brow, coming to linger longingly, heartbreakingly on Kaname's slightly parted pale lipped mouth. Zero placed one warm hand directly over the others heart and traced the tip of his forefinger across those lips that would now never speak to him the words he longed to hear.

Hope having flown like a wounded dove, Zero closed his eyes and pressed his lips to Kaname's in a kiss that was made of so many things; regret that he'd failed his love in his utmost hour of need, passion that burned bittersweet as he savoured the faint, faint warmth and deep beauty of Kaname's tender mouth and the searing ache of loss that burned through Zero's soul with an intensity that was not to be borne by any mere mortal.

Zero softly moved his mouth against Kaname's leaving soft smears of pale, bloodied tears against those pale cheeks, across those paler lips. He suppressed the sobs burning for escape from his throat as he tried to imprint on his soul that soft sweetness, that taste that was unique from any other, that essential something that was Kaname's alone.

_Kaname, what will I become without you? Why couldn't you wait for me? I'm so sorry, I did what I could, how I could and it wasn't enough. I love you and you will never know it. I'd give my life back to the Goddess in an instant if it meant you could be whole again._

And then he felt the sign that the Goddess had heard and pitied him.

It was the faintest of thumps deep within Kaname's chest, the most reluctant of beats of a heart that had long since given up. It was the most blessed of sounds that drowned out any other – to Zero it was louder than the herald's trumpet of doom, more beautiful than the trill of any nightingale that ever lived.

Zero's eyes flew open and he slowly lifted his head away from Kaname's lips, his wings folding back with a soft swishing flurry of feathers. Tired and anguished soft rosewood tinted eyes looked into tear blurred lilac ones where hope was tentatively dawning. Kaname breathed out a soft susurration, a sigh of words so faint, so tremulous, that only a broken heart desperately longing to hear it could decipher it. A voice so quiet that Zero wasn't quite sure whether he'd heard it or just prayed it, before Kaname's eyelids slid shut again.

" _I knew you'd come_."

~0~0~0~0~0~

**Next: Chap.9, **_**Pain and hope in the velvet dark.**_

...


End file.
